2.
The weather that summer was relative. And more precisely, they didn’t even stand at all, but hung on their own throughout the atmosphere with small drizzle atoms. They hung tightly and confidently, as if they were supposed to. In general, everything around was relative, but without any alternative at all.
“So it's time to reach all sorts of denial of diversity and dialectics,” Sri Yaputra thought slowly, observing the dull, a la pointillism, dance of water flour on all kinds of smooth surfaces and ripples. His cheeks and chin, as well as his forehead, and already graying temples, were covered with mental boredom and moisture that soaked the whole eye. Sri Yaputra wept with all the pores of his skin, and his silly disciples mistook permanent heartfelt grief for banal seasonal precipitation. But the teacher did not pay attention to this, he closed his eyes and silently asked the Universe for decoction.

3.
At midnight, it hit so hard that some clocks immediately fell behind, while others mysteriously sped ahead. Therefore, midnight again did not work. The apartment smelled bad.
“The world is becoming dangerously constant: it is moving, but it has no development,” Sri Yaputra had time to think, before he went to throw out cat poop and wash the tray.

4.
"I do not love you anymore".
I felt so surprised that I had to automatically look around, and even look, as far as possible, over my left shoulder. I didn’t become for the right anymore, because I realized that it was pointless. There was no one around anyway, so “they no longer loved”, of course, me.
We have all known for a long time that when such words are spoken, even the Shri Yaputras are silent. Mine was also silent. More precisely, he managed not only to be silent, but at the same time to be absent. In short, I was alone, defeated and helpless. Abandoned by a baba, betrayed by all the shri yaputras of the world, I nevertheless decided to look over my right shoulder. I expected to see at least their backs there, but they were no longer there.
"Fool! You should have looked to the right right away, and not simply stared around!
Some bird either grunted or gurgled in one of the countless canopies of the country park, but I did not answer it.

One day two bhavatas came to Sri Yaputra with a request to judge which of them
rights.
- You are wrong, - Sri Yaputra answered sharply after listening to the first.
“And you are wrong,” he said to the second bhavat after he had told
dispute from your point of view.
- Teacher, but then who is right in this situation, - they shouted indignantly
bhavata.
- I'm right. Sri Yaputra replied smugly.
That's how the Taoist-cacao teaching once again didn't help a damn
to establish the truth in a dispute, but won in the struggle between good and reason.

Once Shri Yaputra was invited to fight club.
He carried with him two staffs and a spiked brass knuckles.
Tao-Cocoa Master is above some rules.

Something strange has been happening at the Dao Cacao Monastery since early morning. The teacher Sri Yaputra wandered around the yard with a very preoccupied look, from time to time turning to the dumbfounded students with questions: “Well, why? FOR WHAT?!" or exclaiming: "Well, she's a goat!". At the same time, his eyes did not express anything, and his whole body was shaking with a slight tremor. The disciples remained silent and hurried out of sight. It wasn't until the next day that they realized what was happening. Entering his room, the students found the cold body of the master, miraculously held in the lotus position. A smile froze on the teacher's face, and a small piece of paper lay at his very feet. Some say that the secret of quick enlightenment was written on it, others that there were only three words, and someone has not uttered a sound since then. But everyone regrets the departure of Shri Yaputra, the only person who managed to understand ... why the heck goat button accordion ?!

Shri Yaputra's disciples, after endless meditations knee-deep in mud under pouring rain and piercing wind, approached Yaputra with complaints.
- Come to your senses! - the Teacher rebuked them, - There is no difference where exactly to strive for enlightenment!
- Why do you, Teacher, always meditate in warmth and comfort? the students tried to object.
- So what? There is no difference anyway, - Sri Yaputra was sincerely surprised.

One day one of the disciples of Sri Yaputra turned to him with a request:
- Can I not chop wood today, Teacher? I got sick and my bones break...
- No, go and cut! - answered the Teacher, - We must overcome ourselves and do exactly what we do not want. This is the way to Tao.
- And I once very much WANT to chop wood! - exclaimed another cunning student, who was nearby.
- Well, go ahead and until you cut everything down, you can not even dream about dinner! - Shri Yaputra made him happy.
- Che something I did not understand, Teacher! - the cunning student went nuts, - But what about all this boyda about "doing exactly what we don't want"?
- What is not clear here? - Shri Yaputra was surprised, - Firewood must be chopped.

- Teacher, do you know the answer to Main question Life, the Universe and Everything Else? - a particularly impudent student decided to test Sri Yaputra.
“Twenty-one,” answered the Great Teacher without hesitation.
once Yaputra met the Buddha. Of course, he went nuts with happiness, but he didn’t drink so much anymore.

For those who have embarked on the path of dao-cocoa, - Sri Yaputra instructed new students in a friendly way with a bamboo stick, - work on a cocoa plantation is a voluntary matter, and not in such a way that you want to work, but you want to - no.

***
Kung fu master Li Xiang was a master of the art of shadow boxing. One day his shadow beat him and took away his wallet. Upon hearing this story, Shri Yaputra took away the staff from his shadow. Just in case.

***
One day Sri Yaputra wanted to know what kakava does when he is not drinking it. He lay down on the mat, pretended to fall asleep, and then slowly crept up to the kakavnik and looked into the spout. And the eye sticks out of the nose and looks around. Kakava wanted to know what Shri Yaputra does when he doesn't drink it...

***
One day brahmins from the valley of Mu came to Sri Yaputra.
"O Great Teacher," they said, "we have lost our beloved Sacred Cow! Tell us where to look for it?"
"Your cow has finally fulfilled its purpose and passed into a different form of existence," Yaputra answered them.
The Brahmins bowed.
"Teacher, the steak is ready!" came Nivhuril's cry from the kitchen.

***
... and so a person can dispel the nightmare of the illusion surrounding him and get rid of suffering. There are many paths to enlightenment, but one goal! - Shri Yaputra finished his sermon.
The students pondered over what they heard. Suddenly there was a bang and one of the students disappeared in a bright flash of light. Then another and another..
"... six, seven, eight." - considered in mind Shri Yaputra. - "Looks like everything. Now there will be enough cocoa until the next harvest, the excess of stored firewood can be sold, otherwise you know the crisis."

***
One day, the inscription "Sri Yaputra is a goat!" appeared on the wall of the monastery.
"Another disciple has come close to enlightenment and will soon leave the monastery." - Sri Yaputra thought sadly and deprived the entire monastery of cocoa for a week in order to consolidate the result.

***
At noon, in the courtyard of the monastery, the disciples diligently meditated under the shade of the trees. Birds made nests. Bees and butterflies flew. A cat was basking in the sun on the steps.
Shri Yaputra came out on the threshold, he had just woken up and was a little stunned by the pastoral picture he saw in the courtyard. Deciding to dilute the colors a little, he deftly kicked the cat that turned up by the way.
- Meow.uu.uu.uu uu..uu..uu Mryaya .. - the cat issued a parabolic flight into the bushes.
The students unanimously traced the cat's flight path, unanimously didn't understand a damn thing, but also unanimously pretended that they understood everything and began to meditate even more diligently.
And only to the cat came enlightenment.
For in the language of the cat, the sounds made meant:
- Again reincarnation, again I am a cat and again in this monastery. BLI-I-IN!

***
The mighty cocaine elder Shcha Ves invited Shri Yaputra to stay with him. Yaputra and his disciples plunged into a two-deck junk, and the journey began. All the long days Yaputra sat under the captain's canopy, in the shade of meditation, and at night he slept in a lifeboat, hiding his favorite kakavnik in his bosom and tightly clutching his staff in right hand. Once a storm broke out, the ship sank, Yaputra woke up in a boat dangling on steep shafts, and began to catch drowning people, oops, he caught Nivhuril by the whirlwinds, oops, he pulled out a couple more unlucky students by the hair. Suddenly, the completely bald head of the captain appeared above the water, Sri Yaputra looked at it thoughtfully for several seconds, and then, as if cracking his bald head with a staff:
- We're not up to koans here, damn it!

***
One morning, Sri Yaputra drank kakava out of habit and admired the dawn. The disciples gathered in front of his hut.
- What are you doing up so early? - asked the Teacher.
- Teacher, we believe that we have been on the path of Enlightenment for a long time, and now you must choose your successor.
“Well, those who consider themselves worthy of it, come forward.
The crowd took two steps back, leaving Nivhuril slightly slowed down in front.
- Ah, Nivhuril, my most worthy student - said the Teacher.
Then he stood up and placed his staff on the ground in front of him.
- Come, take the staff, and you will become my successor.
- What, so simple? - Nivhuril was taken aback.
- Well, yes. What were you waiting for? All you need is to take my staff.
Nivhuril approached, bent over... and received a blow on the back of the head with a heavy kakavnik.
- You always miss something - said Shri Yaputra, picked up his staff and went to his chambers.

***
One day, Nivhuril, entering the teacher’s cell, saw on the table a monastery cat, which, with an irreverent champ, slurped sacred cocoa from a cup.
Here is an example of the fact that even this cat has the nature of the Buddha - thought Nivhuril - and devouring the sacred kakava, he joins the true Tao, untying karmic knots, for the wheel of Samsara has no power over a being who has rejected the illusions of Maya ...
Shout! Shri Yaputra, who entered, shouted and launched his staff at the cat.
O teacher, exclaimed Nivhuril, should a true Buddhist act like this?
And how! - answered Sri Yaputra, picking up his staff. I gave the cat the koan "Shoot" for meditation under the bench, and now I will explain to you that the enlightened one should not fill his head with what is supposed to be smelled ... sing!

***
Once in the monastery they poisoned cockroaches.
Nivhuril went to Sri Yaputra for explanations on this matter.
- Teacher, shed light on my ignorance. By poisoning cockroaches, we violate the principle of Ahimsa. How can you allow this?
- "Again, this moron is being smart, it will be necessary to close access to Wikipedia from the monastery." - thought the old man and silently slapped a cockroach running past with his sandal.
Nivhuril understood the transparent hint and, without waiting for premature enlightenment, hastened to hide.

***
Once Shri Yaputra comprehended the Tao in Teki Lao's poop den, when an agitated Nivhuril ran up to him.
- Teacher, teacher! he shouted excitedly. - Today, I was passing by a rice plantation and met a beautiful maiden, Xlu Heng, who, for just one coin, showed me shortcut to enlightenment! Venerable master, I don't want to live in a monastery anymore, Xlu Hen and I will go far, far away, I will live with her and achieve enlightenment every morning, and sometimes twice a day!
The wise Sri Yaputra frowned and warned the disciple:
- Watch out, you're in great danger. The demons are seducing you so that you will never again know the joy of gathering ripe cocoa and cleaning the monastery courtyard. Immediately go to the meditation hall, take the lotus position and seek the path to true enlightenment.
- But, teacher, I don't want to... - the words of the negligent student were interrupted when Sri Yaputra mournfully struck him with his staff. The mentor with a kind smile looked at Nivhuril prostrated in deep meditation, took a coin from his bag and, with a shaky gait of a sage, went to the rice plantation.

Clap with one hand

Master Chhishvabrasvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here!
Thus Shri Yaputra became a teacher.

Tao Cocoa

Shri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Tao teachers were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They argued about something for the second week.
- To go nuts ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Shizdanut… - objected Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I, perhaps, will go ... - said Yaputra and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

Once upon a time there was an excellent shooter. Hit the coin for a kilometer. The king arranged a shooting competition. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid miss - head from his shoulders. The shooter pulled the string, and went blind from excitement, his hands were shaking ... He fired an arrow. The arrow went straight to the king's head.
- Like a fucking pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and gave the shooter 2 bags of gold.

The monk brightened up. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
Ho passed by his room Yaputra in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And accidentally went to the monk's room. Having taken a nap, Yaputra started the clock and the clock started running again. And the monk became again a normal person. And kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

One day, after drinking cocoa, Sri Yaputra bet Chhishvabraswan that he could teach people Zen no worse than Tao-cacao.
A month later, the monastery took first place in the world competition of brass bands. Both the jury and the audience were amazed by the unprecedented manner of young "musicians" playing on steel crowbars, calling them "an iron flute without holes." By the way, there were no holes there - but they played!
A crowd of excited reporters surrounded the teacher.
- Tell me, Mr. Japutra, how did your team manage to achieve such performance heights using such strange instruments?
- It's simple. It's all about my magic conductor's baton - replied Sri Yaputra, gently waving his staff.

Fuck it nah… th it's Dao! cried Shri Yaputra, standing in front of the disciples.
The students began to look at each other, thinking about how to interpret these words.
“You are part of the Tao,” the Master hinted.

sublime laziness

- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.

straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a student. Master Chhishvabraswan said:
“Remember, Yaputra, the straight tree is always cut first. Become crooked!
"So that's why you're such a dungeon!" Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

galloped

The teacher Chhishvabrashvan argued with his former student Yaputra about the illusory nature of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! Chhishvabrashvan ranted.
- Oh, so no? - Shri Yaputra said thoughtfully and wrapped Chhishvabrashvan with a chair, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra once again outran his former teacher.

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Master Chhishvabrasvan. They argued for a while, gossiped, ran into anecdotes, blew bumps.
Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- So how?! This is my house! Chhishvabrashwan was surprised.
- Are you completely crazy? Fuck off, you old bastard! cried Yaputra and drove Chhishvabrasvan out. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

The disciples sat and thought about the staff. And then they saw Master Yaputra walking down the street merrily singing the song: hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The disciples were quite surprised and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.

Once Sri Yaputra was meditating. He sat in the lotus position with his eyes closed and mentally wished health and happiness to all people on Earth. Suddenly, outside the walls of the monastery, some grandmother began to wail.
“May you die, old hag!” thought Yaputra.
And he continued his pious activities.

Sri Yaputra at breakfast dropped his favorite collectible kakavnik made of the finest Chinese porcelain. Not a single thought clouded the purity of his deepest bliss. With a calm smile, he picked up the pieces and threw them away.
The students realized that tuition fees were going up again.

Instead of an afterword

On this terrifying The Battlefield of Kurukshetra, Which the Pandavas triumphantly crossed, Bhishma and Drona were like the high banks, Jayadratha the river water, the King of Gandhara the blue water lily, Shalya the shark, Krpa the current, Karna the mighty waves, Ashvatthama and Vikarna the fearsome crocodiles, And Duryodhama is the whirlpool.
(an excerpt is also from some Krishnaite crap)
To clear the cup of your brain after reading The Joy of the Blind Crying Monkey, you are invited to meditate. To do this, you must read the following mantra aloud 500 times: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The Teaching of Tao-Kakao is perfect, because there is no niren!!!

Instead of a preface

vidya-vinaya-sampanne
brahmane gavi hastini
shuni chaiva shvapake cha
panditah sama-darsinah

A humble sage who possesses true knowledge looks alike at a learned and noble brahmin, a cow, an elephant, a dog and a dog-eater.
(Krishna, Bhagavad-gita (5.18))

Clap with one hand

Master Chhishvabrasvan once asked his disciple Yaputra:
What does clapping with one hand sound like?
Yaputra, without hesitation, slapped the Teacher in the face.
- Not quite right, Yaputra, but you did it without hesitation, without connecting your mind, which means you comprehended Zen. Go in peace, get out of here!
Thus Shri Yaputra became a teacher.

Tao Cocoa

Shri Yaputra entered the room where 2 Tao teachers were sitting: Kao-jin and Raprishnsh-vutra. They argued about something for the second week.
- To go nuts ... - said Teacher Kao-jin.
- Shizdanut... - objected Teacher Raprishnsh-vutra.
- If what you say is Tao, then I'll probably go ... - said Yaputra and left the room.
So Yaputra left Tao and came to Tao-Cacao.

life is perfect

Master Sri Yaputra once said while walking through the market: Life is beautiful!
But then a butcher came up to him and said: What makes you think so, Teacher? I personally have little money, I have an ugly wife and stupid children!
Thinking Yaputra replied: You are right, your life is shit!
The butcher became enlightened and gave the Teacher a kilogram of carbonade for nothing.

Like leaves on a tree

When we want to calm down, we look at a tree. How perfect it is. How harmoniously all its leaves are arranged on it. How they rustle in the wind.
Earrings on lindens and weeping willows make you hold your breath in admiration.
Children come up to the tree, tear off the earrings and leaves, scatter them in the wind and they fly, mowing, to fall somewhere on the soil and sprout into a new tree.
So are we, all people, like these leaves on a tree. We live, we live, until we wither and fall. Or until the hands of providence rip us off. Or until our tree is cut down. And in the same way there are dogs ready to piss on our tree.

perfect man

When Yaputra was a student, he and the Master walked daily in search of manifestations of Zen. The teacher Chhishvabrashwan told stories:
The eternal bird Phoenix flew over the owl. The owl ate the decomposed rat and, fearing that the Phoenix would take away her prey, pressed the rat with all her might. She didn't know that a decomposed rat didn't care for Phoenix!
- You know what, Teacher, could you do without all the decomposed rats and other fucking shit in your stories, by God, it's unpleasant to listen to ... - admitted Yaputra.
- You - mchudak, Yaputra! - remarked Chhishvabrashvan without any ulterior motive.
Yaputra was offended.
- You should not be offended, Yaputra. In Zen, an eccentric is a sage! - encouraged the Teacher.
- Yes, I fucked your Zen ... - Shri Yaputra grumbled.

At the battery

What is a battery in summer? It is, in fact, an unnecessary and useless item. She heats, heats, heats up. Residents of apartments curse ZhEK. After all, it's so hot. What about the battery in winter? The battery in winter is a completely different matter. The battery in winter is the heart of the apartment, the focus of the desires of the residents. Therefore, do not look at things one-sidedly. And it is better to take a place at the battery in advance. And kick anyone who comes near you.

Draw the legs of the snake

The disciples once asked Master Yaputra: Master, your parables are hard to understand! Often your words are just like a burial!
The burial is a true compliment to my parables. They do not fit in the mind, and this is important! I don't have to tell you everything! Moreover, I myself do not understand what I sing ... You must be able to draw the legs of a snake! This is not the Kaaba! Reality is what comes true! the Teacher was angry.
Hearing this and not understanding anything, the students specifically shizel (meditated).

Step on the foot (leader)

Master Sri Yaputra instructed his students:
- If you step on the foot of a random passerby, you are very sorry. If a friend - sorry, but less. If a relative - do not apologize at all!
- What if I step on your foot, Master? the student asked.
- You'll get fucked! - Yaputra did not lie.
- But the Tao masters say that the leader is always an idiot! Are you our leader? - the stubborn student did not let up.
- You are with me, your mother, you will definitely get it! - summed up Sri Yaputra.

shooter

Once upon a time there was an excellent shooter. Hit the coin for a kilometer. The king arranged a shooting contest. The main prize is a bag of gold. The king personally held the coin in his outstretched hand - God forbid miss - head from his shoulders. The shooter pulled the string, and went blind from excitement, his hands were shaking ... He fired an arrow. The arrow went straight to the king's head.
- Like a fucking pumpkin! - the heir to the throne laughed and gave the shooter 2 bags of gold.

Hemoy (no head)

When Yaputra was a student, one day, going into the room of the Master Chhishvabrasvan, he saw a strange picture. The teacher was sitting in front of a man who was silently eating.
- What are you doing, Master? asked Sri Yaputra.
- I'm talking to a mute... - answered the Teacher.
- Ahh, well, a scribe... - Yaputra shook his head skeptically.
- I am a Taoist and have no head! added the teacher.
- You can see it, damn it ... - Yaputra casually threw and left the room.

sublime laziness

The disciples sat and thought about the staff. And then they saw Master Yaputra walking down the street merrily singing the song: hari Krishna, hari Rama, hari Smehopanorama!
The disciples were quite surprised and approached the Teacher with a question:
- Why are you so cheerful, Teacher?
- Real joy has no reason! - said the Teacher, and he vomited.
It became obvious that the Teacher was ugly in a melon. Only then the students were able to understand the meaning of the phrase spoken by the Teacher the day before: Just give way! - If you want to be an alcoholic, be it!

Teacher

Master Chhishvabrashwan was sitting and meditating near the fence. He painted hieroglyphs of peace and humility with a soft brush. But the owner of the fence came out here - a Russian by nationality. He did not understand hieroglyphs and asked: Why the hell did you tear up the whole fence for me? And he hit the Teacher on the head with a shovel.
The teacher, after lying unconscious for 2 hours, woke up with a cheerful smile and said: Verily, speak to people in an understandable language! After that, the Teacher was taken to a psychiatric hospital, from where he emerged enlightened after 5 years.

2 monks

2 monks were walking along the road. Both were quite hungry. Suddenly one of them noticed a stick lying by the road.
- Let's eat this stick! he suggested.
- She's not fucking edible! - said the second monk.
How do you know without trying? - asked the monk and bit the stick. All of the monk's front teeth were broken.
- Hehren try everything to know! - said the second monk and kicked the first one in the groin area.

When the shoes don't fit

Pyuan had very tight boots. Pyuan suffered greatly, he could not throw away his shoes, as he was very poor. Pyuan even wanted to hang himself, but Master Yaputra came, broke both of Pyuan's legs and took away his shoes. The teacher was not tall, and the shoes fit him just right.
Pyuan, on the other hand, spent half a year in the hospital and, having gone out, came to the teacher and bowed as a token of gratitude, that he had saved his life by getting rid of his shoes.
The teacher sent him to hell with angry abuse, for he had already forgotten about Pyuan and his boots. There is no perfection in the world, and even the Teacher sometimes behaves like a complete bitch.

straight tree

This was when Yaputra was still a student. Master Chhishvabraswan said:
“Remember, Yaputra, the straight tree is always cut first. Become crooked!
"So that's why you're such a dungeon!" Yaputra shouted, embarrassing the Teacher.

galloped

The teacher Chhishvabrashvan argued with his former student Yaputra about the illusory nature of everything earthly.
- There is nothing, there is no world, I am not here! Chhishvabrashvan ranted.
- Oh, so no? - Shri Yaputra said thoughtfully and wrapped Chhishvabrashvan with a chair, hitting him right in the head.
So Yaputra once again outran his former teacher.

Nobody knows who is old and who is young

You older than me! the old woman said to the old man. The old man was silent.
- You're older than me, old snag! - the old woman was indignant. The old man didn't utter a sound.
- I am born on the 23rd, and you are on the 20th! she was already screaming.
The old man silently took out a passport and showed the date of birth - 29. The old woman stung herself.

Watch

The monk brightened up. He stopped his mind. And the clock in his room stopped.
Ho passed by his room Yaputra in search of a toilet where to take a shit. And accidentally went to the monk's room. Having taken a nap, Yaputra started the clock and the clock started running again. And the monk became a normal person again. And kicked Yaputra for shitting in the room.

Deer

The hunter walked through the forest and he had only one cartridge left. He hadn't gotten anything all day and was pretty exhausted. Suddenly he saw something that looked like a deer lying on the ground - or was it just a stump? He decided to come closer. This something still resembled a bizarre tree. The hunter was nearsighted. Coming close, the hunter touched this object with the butt of a gun. The elk woke up and pierced the hunter with his horns through and through. He smiled and whispered dreamily:
- Get close to the deer and you can't go wrong!

A path without a path

Sri Yaputra crossed the road, singing a song:
There is neither death nor birth
No morals and foundations
Deep wrinkles on the face
Nothing more than the scars of life...
A policeman approached him and asked:
- What are you singing about, Teacher?
Sri Yaputra replied:
- I sing about the proximity of death, because there is nothing more beautiful than to return to where we were before birth ...
- So that's why you cross the street at a red light and are not afraid that a car will turn on you ?! But you still have to pay the fine! - said the policeman.

Zendo Master

One day, an arrogant zendo master appeared in the city. He cursed Shri Yaputra and assured him that he would knock him down. He was a really excellent master - he knew how to turn into a fiery pillar of energy. And just such a master challenged Yaputra.
Yaputra at first wanted to refuse, and then decided: As a last resort, I will surrender! and accepted the challenge.
As soon as the duel began, the zendo master began to sway in place and gradually vanished into thin air, then turned into a pillar of fire. Sri Yaputra's forehead was covered with cold sweat and he prayed:
- I give up!
The zendo master again took on a human form and, smiling slyly, sat down on the ground. And at that moment Shri Yaputra gave him a rowing shaft. The zendo master passed out.

Spikelets

A strange ragamuffin jumped across the field, collecting spikelets left by the reapers.
Sri Yaputra was walking at that time past this very field and seeing this picture he said to his disciples:
- Go and ask this fucking stuffed animal that it jumps across the field!
The disciple went and forcibly brought the old man.
Are you enlightened, old man? Are you familiar with the teachings of Tao-Kakao? Are you happy? - Approached the old man with questions Bhagwan Shri Yaputra with his students.
- Yes, I was a Taoist-Kakaosom and all my life I was waiting for enlightenment. I did not acquire riches, I did not debauchery and did not indulge in gluttony. And now, because of this, I, like the last beggar, run around the field ... - the old man answered.
- But are you still happy? After all, you lived to such gray hairs ... - exhorted Yaputra.
- What the hell, gray hair? I am 42 years old, and already an old man! - the old man squealed and turned to the disciples of Yaputra, - Students, before it's too late, dump Tao-Cocoa from this path to the ridges, otherwise you will repeat my shitty fate!
- You're fucked, old man! Yaputra shouted and hit the old man with his staff.
Yaputra and the disciples walked on, but the disciples were deep in thought about something.

Funeral

There was a funeral for a famous Zen master named Yonvrot. There were only enlightened teachers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Shri Yaputra appeared with an accordion and began to yell obscene ditties. After that, he stuck chewing gum on the forehead of the deceased and fell into a freshly dug grave. When they pulled him out of there, he, kicking, lamented:
- Balabols! Down with conventions!

3 treasures

The merchant Rbrbr once approached the teacher Yaputra and, wanting to test him, asked:
- Teacher, tell me which of the three treasures is the most valuable: wisdom, meekness or perseverance?
- Mudozvon you mudozvon, the main thing - bosses! - the Teacher laughed, hugged the merchant Rbrbra and asked him for a loan.

Don't get excited

The disciples approached Shri Yaputra and asked:
- Master, LSD gives us meditation and delight. But it is, we heard, uncomfortably harmful. And when we get out of delight, we feel fucking disgusting: everything is gray and miserable ...
- Don't get excited! muttered Yaputra, looking off into the distance with glazed eyes.

American priest

Sri Yaputra meditated. When he left, he noticed that an American priest had settled in the house opposite. The American priest sipped whiskey, smoked cigars, ate popcorn and rowed prostitutes. He went to the toilet all the time with books by Shri Yaputra, and apparently he did not read them there - they were getting thinner.
He wipes his ass, such a bitch ... - thought Yaputra and knocked on the priest's door, supposedly for a theological conversation. And when the American priest opened the door, Yaputra gave him such specific dules that he immediately began to respect Tao-Cocoa without a bullshit.

The man who fed the monkeys

Arriving at the monkeys, Sri Yaputra said to them:
- Well cho, fucking macaques, choose: either 3 kilos of nuts in the morning, 4 - in the evening, or vice versa!
- Let's immediately 7 kilos in the bulldozer! the monkeys squealed.
- Fuck you bald! - said Yaputra and did not give anything to the impudent monkeys.
He smoked himself and ate everything.

Fast

There was a fast, and Sri Yaputra was eating cutlets on both cheeks. The students looked at him with bewildered fucking and, finally, could not stand it:
- Teacher, post after all?! Figley?!
- Yes ah his to monks! - Yaputra muttered with his mouth full.
Yaputra belched, farted, hiccupped, vomited, but the disciples endured without bullshit, for even the very presence of the Teacher contributes to enlightenment in such a way that rowing my sandals.

Memory

Sri Yaputra came to visit his former Master Chhishvabrasvan. They argued for a while, gossiped, ran into anecdotes, blew bumps.
Time passed towards evening.
- Well, it's time for you to leave! Yaputra sighed politely.
- So how?! This is my house! Chhishvabrashwan was surprised.
- Are you completely crazy? Fuck off, you old bastard! cried Yaputra and drove Chhishvabrasvan out. Memory is not the main thing in Tao-Cocoa.

Dance (no water, no moon)

Once again Yaputra was drunk. He was at a disco, where he was brawling and twitching like a clown. People were joking. Then he, shouting over the music, told everyone:
- My jerks are the dance of the soul! Your dance is a set of dead movements! I want to be alone and jerk off! Get the hell out of here!
With these words, he threw his shoe through the window and hit the guard in the liver with an awl. When he woke up in the bullpen, he realized that they were trying to lock him up. But he knew that the Master could not be locked up. He thought: One thing sucks - there is no water here, there is no moon ... But there is where to masturbate.

Instead of an afterword

On that terrifying river of the Battlefield of Kurukshetra, Which the Pandavas triumphantly crossed, Bhishma and Drona were like the high banks, Jayadratha the river water, the King of Gandhara the blue water lily, Shalya the shark, Krpa the current, Karna the mighty waves, Ashwatthama and Vikarna - Terrible crocodiles, And Duryodhama - whirlpool.
(an excerpt is also from some Krishnaite crap)
To clear the cup of your brain after reading The Joy of the Blind Crying Monkey, you are invited to meditate. To do this, you must read the following mantra aloud 500 times: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The Teaching of Tao-Kakao is perfect, because there is no niren!!!