Ecology of life: Nowadays it often happens that after the birth of children, a husband suddenly leaves the family. Well, not so suddenly. There is a period when he decides to leave or not. Should I go outside or find someone to go to?

Nowadays it often happens that after the birth of children, a husband suddenly leaves the family. Well, not so suddenly. There is a period when he decides to leave or not. Should I go outside or find someone to go to? Decides exactly how his life and budget will be distributed. And then he leaves.

Cases and reasons can be very different and not always “all men are assholes.” But among those leaving there are a considerable number of narcissists who leave for rather banal and similar reasons.

How does a family with a narcissist usually start? Yes, very good. It happens that future spouses lived together for more than one year. It seemed like there was enough time to think about whether children were needed or not. Both future parents were interesting, smart, beautiful... and in every other way just as endlessly wonderful. And suddenly the pregnant partner begins to fade in the eyes of her life partner. And with the birth of a child, it completely fades. The child grows up, relations between parents can improve... But then there is a second child, after which the family already dies.

The man explains that his partner has become uninteresting to him and now, even if he cracks, his feelings cannot be returned. Well, you can't force love again, and she can't force herself to be nice. What is there to suffer and torment her?

This is very right thoughts. Love is like this: it cannot survive all changes in the lives of its partners. If each other is already a burden and attempts to fix everything end in failure, then this is the right way out. It hurts, it’s offensive, but what can you do? That is life. But if the gentleman is a narcissist, his heart is not torn to pieces by what happened. “Such is the selyavi.” There are a few unpleasant feelings that they might think bad things about him, but in this case he has a theory that explains the inevitability of leaving.

For example,
- his wife “slows down” his “development”. He tells her about spaceships plowing the expanses of the universe, and she sends him for diapers and washing powder. She probably waited all day specifically to knock her out of her thoughts. So, you see, he would have invented a time machine tomorrow, if not for diapers.

My wife doesn't appreciate it. No matter what you do to her, she still has requests and everyday problems. I bought diapers a week ago, but she has already blatantly used them all.

His wife changes him for the bad. She constantly drags him into everyday life, and he is sucked into the life of an ordinary person.

Wife and children take up precious time. He may be "Shishkin" Morning in pine forest“I re-read it,” but I need to push the stroller around the yard.

And who is to blame? The wife is to blame. Didn't pass the test for children and maternity leave.
The ladies are really very upset about this and are trying to change themselves, to do something to improve the relationship again. And they are even given such a chance to improve, usually only to be told later that this attempt failed.

In short, the narcissist leaves with a clear justification that his wife was unworthy of the high level of trust he placed in her. And no complaints, because, firstly, he lived with her for many years, secondly, he tolerated her, and, most importantly, she has children from him. From HIM, and not from someone else! What more could you ask for?

In fact, it was the appearance of children that was destructive to the relationship, not the partner’s malice. The child partner immediately loses many benefits that are important to the narcissist.

Firstly, as a rule, she loses her “exterior” at least a little. Those. visually, she may no longer evoke burning envy in other men towards the narcissist, the owner of this treasure. She may slow down her career and leave a prestigious job. Having a “status woman” is important to a narcissist.

Secondly, she becomes at least a little more dependent and the narcissist has to make some additional gestures in order to help her with something or do something for her.

Thirdly, it ceases to be convenient in everyday life. He has to do some little things himself. For example, brew your own coffee in the morning. Not to mention the fact that sometimes you have to clean up your plate after breakfast.

Fourth, she can't give him a 24/7 stream of admiration. This is not because she begins to treat him badly, but because, for example, she cannot spend the whole night in a club, listen all evening about his exploits and praise him. Again, not out of spite, he just wants to sleep or doesn’t feel well.

And if the wife has a bad pregnancy, she is lying there in hospitals for safekeeping, she is not allowed to lift weights at home, etc. This is generally unthinkable for a narcissist. Those. she simply becomes useless to the narcissist. These people are not very prone to empathy, and a partner is simply a suitable function for them. Those. if “the function does not function”, then why is it needed?

With the arrival of a child, everything becomes even worse. The lady not only cannot carry out all the tasks to the same extent, she also has an excuse that cannot be objected to on the merits. You can’t just say, leave the child, take care of me!

The narcissist begins to feel that the partner is manipulating with the help of the child. She deliberately creates situations in which he must do something against his will. If there are no diapers, this is not the child’s need, but the cunning tactics of the wife, who did nothing all day, so that later she could hide her tired husband. She deprives him of free time, rest and silence. And all this in order to deprive him of his freedom. The spouse is regularly accused of this.

And most importantly, the child begins to be seen as a competitor. Not only for time and resources, but also for the place of the main star of the family. Every evening my wife tells me that our son took the first step, ate porridge with a spoon, and built a house out of blocks. The husband is overcome by a wave of anxiety that the child is somehow better than he looks. And the stories begin: “Yes, at his age I was already reading Kant by heart, but he is kind of retarded at 1.5 years old. You're not doing well with him. You sit on your butt all day long, watching TV series. I let my son go!”

In general, the life of a narcissist in a family with children becomes quite nervous and exposes him to constant frustration. Which, in fact, is what he runs away from, blaming his wife.
Is there any way to keep him? There is one way. Narcissists “live well” in the presence of a stronger narcissist, who constantly pushes their face across the table, constantly exerts emotional pressure and violence. “Good” in the sense of behaving relatively decently. If you are ready for such a role, there is a chance that everything will work out. However, most women prefer a partner marriage rather than the role of a trainer with a whip in hand. published

This article is about how narcissistic parents replace love with emotional hunger.

In my opinion, one of the best examples of a narcissistic parent is shown in the film “The Joy Luck Club” based on the novel by Amy Tan. In the film, a woman recalls her childhood, with a voiceover telling how she became a protégé as a chess champion. As the film shows one of her first victories, a woman's voice says, “Even at that age, I knew I had an amazing gift: this strength, this self-belief... It was the only part of my life to this day... when I completely trusted myself.”

The next scene shows a girl walking down her street with her mother holding a Life Magazine with her daughter on the cover. She greets everyone she meets on the street and shows them the cover of a magazine with a photo of her daughter and the caption “chess champion” - all this time the mother accepts laurels for her daughter’s talent. Humiliated by her mother's narcissistic behavior, the girl states, “Why are you using me to show off? If you want to do this, learn to play chess yourself.” Many of us can relate to this scene to some degree - when our parents became overly involved with us or lived on our successes as evidence of their own achievements. But when you have to live with a narcissistic parent every day throughout your childhood, the effect can be devastating.

For example, in the movie “The Joy Luck Club,” a girl stops playing chess due to her mother’s intervention. Her mother responds by boycotting her. A few weeks later, the girl tries to win back her mother's approval by announcing that she plans to return to playing chess. Without even looking at her, the mother coldly replies that now it will not be so easy for her to do this. This hurtful remark shatters the girl's confidence and, as her mother predicted, she can no longer win. The voice-over ends the story with these words: “This strength that I had, this faith in myself... I just felt it flowing away... All the secrets that I saw before, I stopped seeing. All I saw were my mistakes and my weaknesses.”

The problem with a narcissistic parent is that although all the attention seems to be focused on the child, in fact, in this style of parenting, the child himself is taken into account very little. When her daughter's ego was affected, the mother in the film stopped seeing the benefit of her talent. She supported her daughter's chess playing not because her daughter liked it or gave her confidence. She supported her because she herself got the opportunity to feel like a winner, to bask in the glow of her child's achievements, to be proud of a skill that did not belong to her.

The narcissistic parent's obsession or focus on the child is often related to the child's own emotional problems. The narcissistic parent supports the “greatness” of his child and encourages his talents, justifying this with love for him and sacrifices for his future. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. The so-called care of such parents actually results in a lot of pressure, while the love that they think they give to their children is an emotional hunger that devastates the child.

In my interview with Dr. Pat Love for PsychAlive.org, she wisely noted that the best thing parents can do for their child is to get their needs met through other adults. As we bond with our children, it is important to constantly ask ourselves, are we doing something to meet their needs or ours? Do we hug them to give or receive something? Is their performance in school important to us because we are concerned about their future, or because we are concerned about our success as a parent?

Too often we use a child to compensate for some limitations or lack of our own achievements. When we don't feel satisfied with our own lives, we over-associate ourselves with our children.

In the name of not being “selfish,” we can selfishly lose sight and focus all our dreams and desires on them.

Narcissistic parents don't just add pressure by being strict or demanding. They do this by praising the child, supporting him as they would themselves. By doing this, they think they are helping the child become a capable, confident adult, but unfortunately, they are doing the opposite. When we praise a child for qualities that he does not possess, or exaggerate his abilities, we actually create obstacles for him. We put the burden on him to be outstanding or “the best.” He grows up with the fear of disappointing his parent or under pressure not to upset him. He constantly carries a weight on his shoulders that may be holding him back from reaching his full potential.

The emptiness these children feel can be compared to an inner critic or “critical inner voice” reminding them that they have not done well enough, or that they should be better, or that they have not achieved anything. Because parents only value them for their achievements, which reflect on them, children can never feel like they are good enough. They have difficulty even in finding their own “I.” A woman I recently met said that her mother constantly compared her to girls she knew. “You are much more beautiful than her,” “She is better than you at this, but you are much better at this,” etc. This led to the girl growing up with an internal evaluation system. All her life, without even thinking, she compares herself to others. Her mother's competitive feelings essentially led the woman to make these comparisons on her own. Even as an adult, she hears her mother's voice in her head, forcing her to place herself above or below others in any interaction with them.

Even without realizing it, as we grow up, we tend to repeat patterns of behavior or follow instructions given by our parents.

Having become parents ourselves, we are able to break this chain, seeing a separate personality in the child. We can accept children for the traits they truly have and support what they enjoy doing.

For example, instead of saying: “You painted a wonderful picture! You are a real artist!”, we could say: “I like the colors in your painting. It’s clear that you drew for your own pleasure.” Think about the effect of your words and actions on the child's personality. Do you want him to grow by working hard for his achievements, or give up, realizing that he is not the best?

Mindfulness expert Dr. Donna Rockwell put it very succinctly in another interview with PsychAlive.org: “The best way to teach [children] something is to be interested in them as individuals. And, instead of saying: “I want you to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a candle maker,” discover what you yourself love in life, what interests you and who you want to become... And they are born already gifted, already the best about something, and we ruin it by trying to agree on who they will become in life.”

The greatest thing we as parents can do for our children is to love them for who they are and help them develop into self-sufficient, unique individuals. Our goal should always be to care about the formation of the child's character, and not about how he looks from the outside. What kind of person is he? Kind? Responsive? Patient? Purposeful? When we inspire by example, we can help children become independent and thus more confident when facing the world. When we do this, we teach children that it's okay to fail, that they are strong enough to persevere, overcome obstacles, and achieve success to become who they want to be.

Lisa Firston(Lisa Firestone)

Translation Irina Odnoval

Photo flickr.com/photos/kiermacz

Narcissists are people who love to be the center of attention and want everything to always be focused on them. Unfortunately, mothers can also be narcissists, which is why their children suffer greatly. find out character traits such mothers.

They love to control

They like to have complete control over all aspects of their children's lives, from friends to music, clothing and habits. Manipulation is their approach, and such mothers use it very effectively. They use guilt and emotional blackmail to force children to obey.

They turn any conversation to the topic of themselves

Their children may try to talk about the problem at school or with friends, but their mothers will take control of this too and redirect the conversation so that it focuses on them.

They get angry when things don't turn out the way they want.

Narcissistic mothers lose their temper easily and always blame their children and everyone around them instead of admitting that they are the problem. Their children and partners avoid certain topics so as not to arouse anger.

They care what people say about them

Such mothers will do everything possible to look good in the eyes of the public, most often at the expense of their children and partners.

Everything should always be about them

Narcissists are solely focused on themselves, and they believe that the whole world should revolve around them. The moment narcissists walk through the door, they expect everyone to rush out to greet them. They feel like they are the boss of the family and not an equal member of the team.

They are vindictive

The resentment of such mothers lasts a very long time. If someone displeases them or does something that seems wrong to them, if someone makes life choices that they consider irrational, such mothers hold resentment or even disgust towards that person for a long period of time. This person will receive the cold shoulder, and if it is a family member or even a child, they may be disinherited for any little thing that happened years ago that another person would have long since forgiven and forgotten.

They use love to reward and punish

Narcissistic mothers know that the most powerful weapon against their children is their own love. They never forget about it, and every time they show their love, they do it in public places to look good. However, such mothers stop showing love to their children as a punishment for them behaving badly. And this, according to mothers, happens quite often...

They treat others like servants

The child of a narcissistic mother will often play the role of a personal slave, spending his days hoping that he can be rewarded for his efforts in the form of affection.

They compete with their children

The boundaries between parent and child become blurred. This often happens to narcissistic mothers who feel their beauty and sexuality challenged by their daughters during adolescence.

They always find faults in their children and compare them with other “ideal” children.

Their inadequate expectations will set the bar too high for any child, and children's self-esteem suffers from constant comparisons.

Their children live in an emotional vacuum

Children raised by a narcissistic parent spend all their time lacking the love they should receive. Children feel no emotional attachment or closeness with their parent, only misunderstanding. Years of manipulation take their toll.

They don't know what empathy is

Because these mothers are so self-centered, they are unable to show empathy for their children and their problems. They immediately become blind when they need to look at a situation from their child's point of view.

They have low self-esteem

Their grandiose role as supermom is an empty mask that hides the fact that such mothers suffer from low self-esteem. Although they won't let the world see that they feel bad, their children constantly see reverse side. In addition, they constantly have to take care of their mother and support her in moments of depression and self-pity.

They never want to let you go

All parents know that their children will grow up and leave the nest. It may be painful, but they can accept the fact. However, a narcissistic mother will hold onto her child for as long as possible, even into adulthood, in order to maintain control over him. She will use absolutely all approaches and techniques to make the child feel dependent on her. “You can't leave me! You need me!" The truth is that narcissistic mothers are the ones who need their children and their undivided attention.

Why might narcissistic personality disorder develop?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a byproduct of a certain family environment. All children want the approval and attention of their parents. They adapt to their living conditions and often the smartest adaptation to their home situation is to become a narcissist.

Here are examples of family relationship scenarios that can lead to the development of narcissism in a child.

Scenario 1: Parents' Narcissistic Values

A child grows up in a competitive environment in which only great achievements are rewarded.

One or both parents are narcissistic exhibitionists.

Family motto: either be the best or do nothing at all.

In other words, love is conditional.

If you come first in a race, win an Olympics, or study best in your class, you are given attention and praise. Otherwise, you are a disappointment to your parents. Everyone in this family is special and must prove it all the time.

Children in such families don't feel that they are always loved and will be loved. They find it difficult to enjoy anything unless it is related to status. They do not receive support from their parents to explore what they like, they are only supported for great achievements. Parents are not interested in the “real me” of the child, the main thing is that thanks to his achievements they can tell their neighbors: “Look what my child can do!”

Children who grow up in such families feel valued only when they are successful and recognized as “the best.” The conditional love of parents and the revaluation of high status determines their life scenario: to pursue success as happiness.

Scenario 2: Devaluing parent

In this scenario, there is a dominant and devaluing parent who constantly humiliates the child. This parent tends to be irritable, short-tempered, and have unrealistic expectations.

If there are still children in the family, he will praise one and devalue the other. The “favorite” can become an “outcast” at any moment. Family members feel insecure and spend their time trying to appease the abusive narcissistic parent. At the same time, the partner also depreciates.

Children who grow up in such an environment feel humiliated and inadequate. In the future, their life may develop as follows:

Defeated child

Such children simply give up and admit defeat. During adolescence, after for long years humiliated and told that they are "worthless", they can sink into depression based on feelings of guilt and self-hatred. Over time, in order to stop feeling constant guilt, they may try to lose themselves in impulsive, addictive behavior. Someone becomes an alcoholic or drug addict, someone spends all their time on the Internet. They never reach their potential because they believe it doesn't exist.

Rebel child

Such children openly protest against the message of their parents: “you are a failure.” They spend their lives trying to prove to others, the world, and their devaluing parent that they are special and that their parents were wrong. They try to achieve success wherever they can. This becomes their mission in life, while a ruthless inner voice always criticizes them for the smallest mistake.

Angry child

Such children carry their rage towards the devaluing parent throughout their lives. Anyone who resembles a parent can become a target for their anger. Sometimes they themselves become malignant narcissists and then it is important for them not only to achieve, but also to destroy.

Scenario 3: golden child

The parents of such a child are covert narcissists. Their main pride is their child. This type of excessive idealization of the child as flawless and special becomes the reason for the development of narcissistic adaptation in the child during adult life:

• Conditional and unconditional love. Everyone wants to be treated realistically and loved unconditionally. If a child understands that his parents value him only for his successes, over time he develops a feeling of self-doubt. There is no person who wins all the time or is the best at everything. Children idealized by their parents believe that they are worthy of love only when they are perfect and worthy of idealization.
• Impeccability and shame. Every time they encounter their shortcomings, such children experience great shame, so they strive to be perfect and prove their impeccability.
• Stunted development of the “real self.” In this process, children may lose touch with their real needs and desires. Instead of exploring themselves and their true interests and talents, they only do what they have already succeeded in and for which they receive praise from their parents.

Result:

The child does not accept his shortcomings and strives to be perfect, which can lead to the development of narcissism.

Scenario 4: Admirer of a Narcissistic Parent

Children grow up in a narcissistic environment, narcissistic exhibitionist parents pay attention to them only when the children obey them and admire the successes of their parents. Children absorb narcissistic values ​​but are not encouraged to brag about their successes. Their role in the family is idolize genius their parents, without even trying to be equal to them. This is the ideal way to create a covert narcissist.

Children grow up with the understanding that they receive narcissistic gifts - attention and praise - for not overtly competing with narcissistic parents; gifts will be immediately taken away and devalued if they try to openly declare their successes. Their value in the family lies only in supporting the parent's inflated ego.

As adults, they feel too vulnerable and insecure to show off their achievements to the world, so their covert narcissism is less noticeable.

Some adapt to their role by supporting the exhibitionist narcissist.

Conclusion

It may now be easier for you to see how certain family environments support the development of narcissistic adaptation in children. In some families, becoming a narcissist is the only reasonable solution.

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It is better to love a narcissist from a distance, especially if it is your parent. Julia L Hall, author of the blog The Narcissist Family Files, is sure of this: “The realization that one or both parents are narcissists is a long and painful journey. This is because even grown children continue to dream of love and approval.”

The healthiest choice is to cut off all contact with narcissistic parents or communicate with them as little as possible. "Creating distance between your parents and you means you've given up the illusion that they can change," explains Julia El Hall.

Here are some tips to help keep interactions with narcissistic parents to a minimum.

1. Realize that health and well-being are most important.

As a child, you did everything possible to please your parents, believing that your interests were secondary. It's time to change your priorities. "It's important to set boundaries," says Julia El Hall. “I decided to cut off communication with my parents only when I became seriously ill.” Finding herself bedridden, Julia realized that she could no longer tolerate the stress that came from her mother.

Today her relationship with her mother is much better. “We didn’t communicate for two years, but then I took my mother in with me - she had cancer, and I had to look after her. But I set boundaries that were not negotiable, and she learned to communicate positively with my daughter.”

2. Learn to step back and set boundaries.

If you want to free yourself and become an individual independent from your parents, you need to learn to step back and not react to the behavior of narcissists. Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate e-mail or briefly over the phone, advises psychotherapist Linda Martinez-Lewi, author of the book “Living with a Narcissist: Treatment and Recovery.”

“E-mail communications should be limited to superficial topics. If a parent continues to terrorize an adult child, it may be time to cut contact completely, although this is not an easy decision,” shares Linda.

3. Don't be confrontational

It is useless to make complaints and show a list of parental mistakes - he does not accept criticism. This can only make the situation worse.

“Narcissists have no sense of responsibility to other people and are incapable of empathy, so confrontation will only bring you more pain, frustration and anger. State your position without accusations or accusations, and then firmly stick to the boundaries you set,” advises Caryl McBride, family therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing daughters from narcissistic mothers."

4. Be prepared that the parent will not agree to a break in communication.

Such parents usually do not perceive the child as a separate person with unique needs and may behave aggressively, defending the ability to continue to control his life.

“Setting boundaries means respecting yourself. “This is a slow process that involves the ability to identify your needs, realize that they are important, and learn to defend them,” says Darlene Lanser, family therapist, author of “How to Overcome Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing Your Real Self.”

5. Don’t blame yourself for the way the relationship turned out.

Children of narcissists often feel guilty that their parents manipulate them. But you are an adult, and it’s time for you to understand that it’s all about the behavior of your parents. It makes you distance yourself from them.

“Narcissistic parents know how to shed tears as soon as their children talk about their needs, and do everything to make the children feel guilty. If you don’t realize that it’s not you, but your parents, who are to blame, then you will continue to allow them to interfere in your life,” says psychologist Fred Malkin, author of the book “Rethinking Narcissism.”

Relationships with narcissistic parents defy normal logic. They have already ruined your childhood, don't let them ruin the rest of your life.