Every practicing psychologist or psychotherapist periodically explains to his friends, neighbors, relatives that he cannot work with them. Personally, I say that there are ethical reasons. Sometimes these explanations lead to understanding, and sometimes give rise to resentment.

The purpose of this article is to inform you, dear readers, about the negative factors that will arise during the treatment or counseling of a friend, spouse or relative.

I want to note that these conclusions are made not only on theoretical justifications, but also on practical ones. These negative factors have been described by many well-known psychologists, and at the same time, many specialists, due to inexperience, enter into therapeutic relationships with their loved ones and suffer very much in the future.

The first series of factors that lie on the surface

The psychologist needs clarity of mind. It is for a similar reason that many surgeons do not operate on their relatives. And suddenly the hand trembles! Working with close people is experienced more intensively, which means that a psychologist can take care during work not of helping a person, but of how to come to a working state himself. Indeed, in working with a person, you can reach the most severe traumas, experiences, memories. And now, imagine how you can help a person if you yourself experience what you heard too much, if you yourself need help? With other people, the psychologist also worries, but the intensity of emotions is lower, it is at a level where you can both empathize and work effectively.

The second point is the strongest feeling of guilt even with small failures. Moreover, when working with close people, there may be a fear of error, failure. These thoughts and emotions can be very strong and again interfere with work.

The second set of factors that lie deeper

This applies to the features of relationships that arise in work and in life. All your relatives are quite biased towards you. Also, within the family or friendships, various games arise, it is quite difficult even for a psychologist to track the inclusion in which, and get out of them. It turns out that when you come to a psychologist-relative or friend, you cannot be sure of his impartiality and objectivity. Such a specialist will not be able to help you.

Also, the goals of therapy may not coincide with the feelings of your psychologist, who is still someone to you. Imagine the situation… Your girlfriend is also a psychologist, and you have low self-esteem, and if you reach a state of self-worth and confidence, you feel freer and decide for yourself what and how to do. As a psychologist, she should help you become more confident, but as a girl it scares her.

A psychologist who has decided to work with a friend or relative may be concerned about the issue of boundaries. After all, counseling is one thing, and communication in everyday life is completely different. Many psychologists, when conducting long groups, even try to dine away from their clients in order to relax and unwind. If there are no boundaries and your friend is a psychologist at work, and at home he is a psychologist, and at parties he is a psychologist, all this is fraught with emotional burnout, and after a while all forces to work may run out.

The last, deepest point is a special type of relationship that is formed in the work. The fact is that when you go to a psychologist, one way or another, a special relationship arises with him, the analysis of which can help in solving your difficulties. Unfortunately, if something else connects the psychologist and the client, it can confuse the work process, make it painful and impossible for normal analysis.

The most insignificant consequences of working with loved ones can be a feeling of a dead end in work, or no results at all. The most difficult can be the deterioration of relationships that bind people. Psychologists even have a joke on this topic: "Do you want to divorce your husband? Become his psychotherapist!" If you want to deal with your difficulties, then you may well ask your friend or spouse who is a psychologist to recommend someone to you. Believe me, it will be much more effective.

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Everyone has enough internal problems, but few people decide to turn to a specialist

What is the reason for such stubborn ignorance of their problems? Partly because we are used to solving them ourselves. But also in the fact that most of our compatriots have a very vague idea of ​​​​psychotherapy. Popular myths about mental health help make it hard to take this area really seriously.

Having examined some of these myths more closely, you can change your mind and then, if necessary, still turn to a professional for help.

Myth #1.
Psychologist - magician and wizard.

We come to the office, talk about what worries us, talk about how much our own life did not please us, and the psychologist offers a “magic wand” - valuable advice or the right recipe how to instantly fix a hopeless situation.

In fact, a psychologist is an ordinary person. Of course, a good psychologist is endowed with certain knowledge and skills. For each client, the specialist usually uses different types help. It can be support for those who are in an acute crisis situation. Or a psychologist can advise a person who has contacted him on some questions regarding family crises and relationships. Another type of help is psychotherapy, that is, help in finding options for solving a problem, a new place in life, and the like. It should also be understood that each psychologist has his own stock of applied techniques.

Myth #2.
Psychological consultations and treatment are only for "nuts".

Psychological counseling can be helpful in effectively dealing with the complex everyday problems that literally any of us face at some point in our lives. It can be sleep problems, stress at work, a bad relationship with a loved one, or just causeless despondency. Any change in routine, big or small, can cause stress. Therefore, even perfectly normal and psychologically balanced people sometimes need to find spiritual support and hear the opinion of a professional.

Myth number 3.
The psychologist just listens and regrets, that is, he receives his salary in fact "for nothing."

The psychologist must listen carefully to the client, otherwise he will not understand the details of the situation and what kind of help the person needs. Sometimes the client really only cares about being listened to. After all, a psychologist can say something that you can’t even say to close people, and sometimes it’s even hard to say out loud. It is very difficult to confess your weaknesses or feelings that are usually taboo. Talking about these topics with a professional is really easier than complaining about your troubles to friends to the obligatory accompaniment of strong drinks.

In the process of talking with a specialist, a person begins to understand and accept himself. It is in the office of a psychologist that old mental traumas are most often revealed. After all, most often he does not just listen, but asks leading questions that lead to the realization of many situations and problems. The work of a psychologist sometimes consists only in asking a person the right question, which he did not ask himself. It happens that after that the client finds the answer and accepts the right decision. Therefore, it is impossible to assume that the psychologist does nothing.

Myth number 4.
Psychological counseling is the choice of the weak.

It takes a strong personality to admit that I need help. Seeking help is a sign of mental health, not weakness. It shows that a person is responsible for his own life and is ready to take control of what happens to him, good and bad.

The psychologist will help determine the strengths of the individual and work on the weaker ones, that is, show the way to self-improvement, and you will have to go along it yourself.

Myth number 5.
The psychologist is able, with the help of his techniques, to easily remake the one who needs it.

Many are convinced that it is enough to bring a child or partner to a psychologist, and he will make him become “good, right, as it should be.” This is a very common misconception. In psychological practice, especially often it concerns children. Sometimes worried parents are looking for any opportunity to remake their own child, making it “as it should be” - for their own convenience. They are sometimes ready to pay a lot of money for this and even put the child in the hospital. In this case, psychological help is required not only for children, but also for parents. The psychologist will have to try to completely rebuild their relationship with the child, change the rules in the family, and demonstrate that there are completely different, new methods of education.

Most often, the desire of parents that the transformation of a child from a bully into a good boy happens in one session is not justified. After all, no one can change what has been formed over the years in just an hour or two.

Myth number 6.
It's not bad enough to call a psychologist.

Psychological counseling can be useful if you have an internal decision to do something important in life, but there is not enough external push. Or just if you feel lonely, had a hard day at work. And if you have stress or relentless anxiety, then this is already a good reason for psychological counseling. If a person constantly keeps something important for him in his head, this also makes the subject of reflection and anxiety a sufficient reason to visit a psychologist.

Myth number 7.
Psychologists give specific advice on how to act in a difficult situation.

A professional cannot give the only correct advice for two reasons. First - no one can be more competent in the life of another person than himself. To do this, you need to live his life, with its ups and downs. The second reason why a psychologist cannot advise to act in one way or another is that no one can take responsibility for choosing another. For example, not a single psychologist can tell a person that a divorce is necessary, and you will be happy. Because he has no right to make global decisions of his life for a person. The specialist only helps to consider all options for getting out of this situation, to consider the consequences. And this is already a lot! After consultation, a person must choose a solution that suits only him personally.

Myth number 8.
The psychologist teaches how to manipulate people.

Often these expectations of people who turn to a psychologist look something like this: “Help me influence my husband (wife, mother, father, children, etc., so that they do this and that…”

Training in such psychological manipulations is impossible, since it is contrary to the ethical code of the psychologist. Besides, it is a doomed way of relations between people. Because both hidden and overt manipulation leads to sad consequences - relationships built on the principle of "humiliation-revenge" and based on a thirst for power will in any case be short-lived. A good specialist will never manipulate you and will never teach you how to manipulate others. But it will help to see how the behavior of the person himself affects the relationship between him and his loved ones. Or he will indicate ways to change the attitude towards a problem that is difficult or even impossible to influence.

Myth number 9.
An hour a week spent with a psychologist will not save the situation.

At first glance, an hour a week is really very little. But the point is that your inner work should not be limited to one hour spent in the office of a specialist. A conversation with him only clarifies the nuances of a particular situation and sets the direction in which to move. Sometimes a specialist can even give you "homework".

If you really want to get positive changes, then you should be ready to implement everything that was understood in a conversation with a psychologist, then in real life. Because a few conversations according to the principle: “I left the office and forgot everything” will not really help. Many clients of psychologists want to be “wiped their snot”, but they really don’t want to work on problems. If you are counting on positive changes in your life and a concrete result, you will have to work on yourself.

Myth number 10.
I already went to a psychologist - it did not help!

Not every psychologist is a good fit for every client. It may very well be that your previous specialist did not suit you. Or you weren't completely open to internal changes. In any case, if a series of serious problems, it is worth trying again to solve them with the help of a psychologist, but with a different one. Take the time to learn more about several professionals before choosing one. It is also important to find a consultant who already has experience with problems that are similar to yours.

An interesting article about whether it is possible to advise your friends and acquaintances?
Should a psychologist provide psychological counseling services to those with whom he is friends?
Let's read an interesting article:

"Let's say my best friend comes to me. And we consult. And in the process I find out things about him that he did not tell anyone else (which is often in therapy). And everything is fine.

But then we meet with him at barbecues with friends. And both are in trouble. In contrast, it will be clear that I, as a psychologist, know much more about him than any person from his environment.

“And this is Vika, meet me,” my friend says. And I understand that this is "the same Vika" that we talked about in therapy. And I understand the complexity of his feelings for her. And I also have my own fantasies that, most likely, their relationship will not work out. And I say hello.

Or, for example, in therapy, we discussed his fantasies about the infidelity of his current passion. And I, communicating with her, should do what? I'm in a weird state where I can't just act like a friend. Can't act like just a human. I have to be at the same time a therapist who keeps confidentiality and pretends not to know anything. And a friend who "just talks and has fun."

And there will be no more fun. And so the distancing begins. Of course. Automagically.

This means that I became my friend's therapist. But I can't continue being his friend. And I can not be with him in the same society freely.

And now on the other side.

Let's say I'm single. I don't have a girlfriend. And to be honest, I like this friend's girlfriend. And he comes to me to consult just about their relationship.

Personal interest is not going anywhere. At least 100 times realize it. It will put pressure on me anyway. Even if I can do everything "right" as a psychologist. It will still affect me and make my work very inefficient.

And it is also possible that I unconsciously begin to "persuade" a friend to leave the girl. Naturally, this cannot be done directly, but it is possible to push. And unconsciously too. And just to make your brain work without prejudice is almost impossible.

Or my girlfriend will come to me for therapy. And in the process, I will understand that if she has certain personality changes, it will reduce her problems and suffering. And make her more free. But I will immediately understand that this will make me personally uncomfortable in our relationship. Well, or at least such a possibility looms.

Is it clear?

And if the examples of the second part do not necessarily happen. That example from the first part will definitely be. Because a psychologist is a person to whom all the ins and outs are revealed. He knows more than a friend or anyone out there should know.

Moreover, the main work on awareness is carried out through frustration.

To poke the client's nose into his responsibility. Encourage awareness and recognition of their feelings and desires. Show indifference and withdraw when necessary. And other things that friends don't do.

That is, a friend comes to you because he "trusts". That is, he expects that you will not harm him. And you will! You have to frustrate him, otherwise it will not be therapy.

So it turns out that therapy with a friend will either not be therapy, or it will not be with a friend.