Question for a psychologist:

Hello. I can't let go and forgive my ex-boyfriend. I loved this man madly, for the first 4 months of the relationship everything was perfect, he was gentle, we walked, etc., but then scandals began, scolding, jealousy. He forbade me to communicate with my friends, constantly checked social media. networks and SMS. I liked it in some way, that being jealous means he loves, forbidding means he’s a man, etc. But then we began to live together, scandals became more and more frequent, it even reached the point of assault. He offered to make a child, I agreed. As a result, I became pregnant, everything became good in the relationship, he gave flowers, took care of me, talked to my tummy, but not for long. A month later, he started drinking with friends, started having nightly get-togethers at home, and started looking at girls. I was jealous, expressed everything to him, but he continued. I thought he’d take a walk and he’d get tired of it, I kept waiting for this bright moment, but no... I found out from our mutual friend that he cheated on me. I was waiting for him at home to talk, he arrived, a scandal began, which escalated into a fight. I packed my things and left. In the end we broke up. It took me 4 months to understand myself, and I cried for a very long time. I thought that he would come to his senses, understand that he would soon have a child and return. After the birth of the child, 3.5 months later, he came to see him and that’s it. I didn't see him again. Now he has a girlfriend, we don’t communicate, he’s not interested in the child. There remains a huge resentment. How could he do this when he swore his love and really wanted a baby. After him there was a relationship, but it lasted a month, and we parted very badly. He just left without saying anything. Now I am ready for a relationship and want it, but I am afraid that the next young man will also hurt me. Now several guys are courting me, but I’m afraid to open up to them and I feel a catch in all their actions. Sometimes it seems to me that I simply cannot love anyone because of previous unsuccessful relationships. Even sometimes I just don’t want a relationship, and I get the feeling that I really like being alone. I’m not obliged to anyone, I can communicate with whoever I want and no one will bother you. They get to know me, but I still don’t like it. Either the hair is different, then the eyes, then the hands, then he is short, then tall, thin, fat, etc. All wrong. Please tell me what to do and what to do about it? I’m trying to understand myself and imagine that if we were together, he would not be able to give anything to me or the child. This turns me off. But when I remember everything good moments that were, I want to be with him again. Then I remember what he did and again there is rejection. That is, with my brain I understand that this is not my person, but I cannot accept this.

Psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello, Ekaterina!

Unfortunately, this happens in life: betrayal, disappointment, resentment... How to live with this? How to cope with negative emotions and obsessive thoughts? Let's look for a way out of this situation together.

First of all, you, Ekaterina, need to burn out your grief, that is, it takes time for the mental pain to subside. This is a time of memories that give rise to various feelings and emotions in you. While you have not yet come to terms with your loss, inside yourself you demand justice, feel sorry for yourself and lament in disappointment because your trust has been betrayed. It is painful and even unbearable at times. But even such a tragedy can be survived.

Firstly, I recommend that you resolutely give up thoughts about the past, that is, with a strong-willed decision to stop them. It's not easy, but training will yield positive results. For example, a thought comes to you, you silently or out loud proclaim: “I refuse to think about it!”, “I will not feel sorry for myself!”, “I let go of this person and forgive him!” YOU choose what to think about, whether to let a thought in or not. When a thought is allowed, it triggers a mechanism that is subsequently difficult to stop: memories, then feelings, emotions, depression, hopelessness, etc. You must understand that you are the mistress of the situation. The less you think about the past, the more likely you are to free yourself from a difficult mental state.

Secondly, you need to see the positives in the current situation. For example: you have a wonderful child whom you love very much. Many women cannot have children at all, but you have such a wonderful baby. Or another example: you are alone, but at the same time you do not need to experience scandals, jealousy, assault. Over time, you will be able to build a new family and be happy! Find more advantages and write them down on a piece of paper, let it be before your eyes. Learn to think positively even when it's difficult.

Third, get busy. When a person works or is passionate about something, he has no time to think about bad things. If you are on this moment attached to the child, take the opportunity to read more fiction, draw, listen to good music, knit, embroider or do some crafts. Creative activities will enrich you, raise your self-esteem and help you survive. difficult period in your life.

Fourth, you need to forgive the person who brought you disappointment and pain. How to do it? You can write a grudge on a piece of paper in the form of a letter to the offender, throwing out all your negative emotions, and then destroy it. An offense can be shouted, sung, danced, and even lost. It is best to do this in tandem with a psychologist who will professionally guide and help you.

Fifthly, I would not recommend that you look for a new relationship with a man at this stage of your life. It won't save you. You need to heal and recover emotionally. When you can easily tell someone about your bad experience without tears or resentment, this is a sign of your recovery. But this doesn't mean you need to lock yourself at home. Be sure to go for walks, visit cinemas, theaters, concerts, cafes, etc. with friends. Chat with interesting people, develop yourself as a person with books, trainings, lectures.

Ekaterina, turn a difficult period of your life into a useful period for yourself! Fill yourself with positive emotions, good news and new discoveries! Everything will be ok!

4.6666666666667 Rating 4.67 (9 Votes)

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! Because I am tormented by thoughts, memories and even dreams that I see almost every day, I decided to write to you. But I have a very long history... We met with him since the 8th grade. My parents sent me to the lyceum, which I didn’t want to study at, and the first person I went there was him. He smiled and said: “Hello.” I ignored it and thought what the hell strange guy. And after that it all began. I didn't like him at all at first. He understood this and throughout the year he sought my attention and some feelings for him. And a year later, in the 9th grade, we started dating him. We had an unusual, sincere, real relationship. He always cared, worried, and gave all of himself to our relationship. He always made pleasant surprises and I felt the happiest. You may think that we were children then, but now in 4.5 years, not a single guy has treated me like him or looked at me with such loving eyes... Everything was just perfect for us until my stepmother intervened. She simply hated me because I lived with dad and with her. She wanted me to leave them and not interfere with their lives. I was jealous of my father all the time. She worked as a cosmetologist in a salon and it turned out that my ex’s mother had been going to her for 3 years. And when she found out that we were dating, she decided to tell all sorts of nonsense and dirt about me. He was from a wealthy background rich family (but I didn’t care, I loved him) and my only son. My parents told him to break up with me. He didn’t want to, but I still told him to explain the situation. He was stalling for time and during this time I had family problems and I was more depressed than ever. And in a fit of emotion and anger, she told him: “I choose my mind, not my heart.” There was a reason for this - I began to doubt him, because he was in no hurry to tell the whole truth to his parents. We broke up, I was deeply depressed for about half a year, cried all the time, didn’t eat normally, didn’t sleep, stopped studying... We studied at the same school, he was a grade older and crossed paths every day. He quickly walked past me, and I pretended that I didn’t care. He started dating others and so did I. Half a year later, he appeared again and said that he had broken up with his girlfriend (they had been dating for a month). I asked the reason. He: “All this time, every day, I thought only about you and missed you very much. I thought it would be better for you and for me. But, I understood perfectly well that I love you with all my soul. And he told her like it was and tore it up.” He wanted to do it all over again, but I doubted it. He asked for a long time, came... And I decided to give our relationship a second chance. We dated for 2 weeks - everything was not the same as before, I don’t know why, but as if the feelings were no longer the same, or he had cooled down towards me, or his parents influenced him again... Even he is online on social media. networks and doesn’t write and why don’t I want to. I was in terribly pain and I wrote to him: “Can we break up?” He: “It would be better.” And that’s it, after that he appeared when I flew to London for studies and he started writing and calling again. We talked for 2 weeks on Skype and I kept in touch with him purely as friends. He said how he missed my smile, voice, conversations, etc. And I just remained silent and changed the topic all the time. He realized that he had no feelings for him and said: “I have a girlfriend, you know?!” I’m just shocked... And I say: “I’m happy for you, who is she? How long have you been dating? He: “I won’t say, it’s been 3 months already.” Me: “Do you love her?” He: “No.” Me: “Why are you dating then?!” He: “The parents wanted it that way.” Me: “Why do you need a girl you don’t love?! Better date the one you love and want to be!” He: “It’s you.” I was simply shocked and he wrote me a message that he could not lie to her, that this was wrong and it was better for us not to communicate at all and that he wanted me to meet the one and be happy. And that’s all, 4.5 years have passed and we haven’t communicated. The first time we saw each other on the street, he passed by and I pretended not to notice. And he is still with that girl for 4 years. And she brags to everyone that they are serious and will definitely get married. Allegedly they have sex life. As for the fact that there was an intimate relationship with him, there was no. But I wanted him badly, in every sense. Him too. There was even a time when he spent the night at my house (everyone had left and I was scared alone). We lay with him, hugged, and I told him: “I want you.” He: “Me too, you have no idea how! But I can not. Tomorrow you will wake up and suddenly regret that you lost your virginity. I think more about you than about myself. I want you to marry me with a clear conscience. And I will wait until we are old enough.” Now what guy would say that?! All guys only need intimacy... And I compare him with others all the time. After all, his attitude towards me is not even worth a single finger from those guys. And I even stopped believing in the relationship I had before with him. Even when she was sick, he brought medicine and food. I had chicken pox for 2 weeks and he came every day, hugged and kissed me, even though I was a green monster and dirty. He said that he doesn’t care what I look like, he loves me as I am. He did my homework for me, helped me, and accompanied me every day after school. On his birthday, he came at exactly 5 am and arranged surprises. Even after the breakup, I congratulated her once through a message. For no reason, flowers, sweets, gifts... All his surprises were original and very romantic. It didn’t matter to me what it was, the main thing was his attention. From half a word he understood me, my soul, and we communicated on any topic. He always looked at me with loving eyes and hugged me tightly. I can continue to write forever... But, perhaps, you understand. After breaking up, I see him in my dreams almost every day. Now it’s started less often, but the dreams are so long, clear, and then I recover from them for several days. Sometimes I miss him. Him, his look at me, his actions, how he made up fairy tales at night before going to bed and wrote poems, etc... Sometimes it happens that I just sit and remember. It hurts me so much. I want to go back in time and spend at least a few seconds with him, to feel loved and happy. But you understand that he now has a girlfriend and perhaps they will soon have a wedding - and I just don’t want to live in this reality. In dreams, everything is so real. Every touch of his - I feel and understand that he is the one, and I am very pleased... Last year I started walking a lot, drinking, smoking and stopped communicating with guys. I turn everyone away and devote more time to studying. On weekends I go to party. I live alone - and when I come home, in this silence, I feel very lonely. Although, everything is fine in my life. I have friends and girlfriends and usually I feel good. But when I accidentally remember him, I fall into a kind of depression. I do not know what to do. To be honest, I tried everything. I’ve been doing sports for a year - it’s in my thoughts, I meet a guy - I remember him and compare him, I’m sitting in a noisy company with fun around - I understand that I’m really unhappy and the worst thing is when I’m at home - strong loneliness... I don’t know what to do . I don’t think about him, I start a new relationship - I start dreaming about him and usually in my dreams - we are together or he talks about his feelings to me. Advise me what to do. Thank you!!!

Psychologist Victoria Vladimirovna Unterova answers the question.

Hello Maria! Perhaps the key phrase in your message is “in 4.5 years, not a single guy has treated me like he did.”

You do not need a guy from your past, but the feelings that you experienced while being next to him. Try to write down on a piece of paper exactly what feelings you are yearning for: safety, joy, something else.

Realize that this guy is not at all only person, which can give you these sensations. it could be other people, but first of all, you yourself.

The guy has had his own life for a long time, although, judging by your story, he was very worried then about your breakup. But still he found the strength to live a different life. But you partly continue to live in the past and this bothers you.

Is it really the case that you started “drinking, smoking,” etc.? The point is that you are dissatisfied with your life and the way it is shaping up. Although, perhaps, if you think logically, it may seem that your life is not bad at all. But it’s precisely emotionally that you feel bad, you don’t feel happy. This is what we must proceed from. What do you need to change in your life to make you feel good, regardless of past relationships?

What kind of men might you be interested in? What events? What places? What activity? Think about it, write down your desires on paper.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Ekaterina.

You write that you feel dependent on your friend. Actually, you can depend on anything, for example, on the weather: if the weather is good, then I’m cheerful, kind, sympathetic, if it’s cloudy, then I’m angry, I hate everyone, I walk around with a gloomy look. A person comes up with a criterion of addiction for himself, on which he relies and helps justify his behavior, referring to addiction as a disease.

The fact is that if you really love your friend, then he is yours or someone else, he is next to you or thousands of kilometers away, whether he loves you or not, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is your feeling – LOVE. Love, rejoice that you have the opportunity to touch this great feeling of all times and peoples (many people cannot even imagine what it means to love).

Of course, it’s nice when your chosen one is nearby, hugs you, kisses, strokes you, gives you gifts and other signs of attention, and takes care of you. But for true love there are no barriers or restrictions, she can live in any conditions. Ekaterina, what feeling do you live with? What do you want to have when you call your relationship with your friend love? Maybe you would like more attention, care, and tenderness for yourself. For example, a person gives a gift to someone: he carefully chooses it, spends time and money, but in return receives nothing and is very offended. What's his problem? How do you think? Right. If a person gives a gift from the bottom of his heart, wants to bring joy and does not expect anything in return, then he will not be offended if they do not answer him in kind (he may be upset, upset, but will not be offended), but if a person expects such a gift in return or even better, then, naturally, he will be gnawing at vexation, resentment, disappointment, anger, etc. Ekaterina, I recommend that you carefully examine your feeling, which you call love. Is this a gift that awaits a return gift or not?

Also, Ekaterina, your friend was married and divorced. Why? What is the reason for his divorce? Maybe you should ask him about this. Why does he say he needs a break? Maybe he's not ready for a serious relationship at all?

And lastly, in one letter. There is a saying; “The owner loved his dog and cut off its tail piece by piece.” Imagine, not just once...that’s all, but every day in a small part. This is torture! And the owner thought that the dog would suffer less if not the whole tail at once, but in pieces.
So it is with you. If it hurts, why talk for hours? If it's hard, why stay in a relationship? If it’s unbearable, it might be easier to chop it off once and that’s it... Think about it.

Feelings come and go, relationships sometimes don’t turn out the way we dreamed about. And often it is the man who initiates the breakup of the romance. What to do in such a situation? How to let go and forget your loved one loved one after everything we've been through together? Despite heartache this must be done for the sake of your own future and new, happy relationships.

How to let a man go

To begin with, get rid of all the things that in your new life will remind you of your loved one - toys, gifts, photographs, contacts on your phone, and also try not to visit places where you could meet or have previously been together. In conversations with relatives and friends, avoid topics about your ex. If the conversation turns to past relationships, ask them not to raise this difficult issue for you again.

Use your free time to do something useful. Perhaps you will throw yourself into work, find an interesting hobby, or start meeting with friends more often - most importantly, do not try to engage in self-flagellation or feel sorry for yourself, empty memories will not lead to anything good either. Treat yourself. Surely there are things that he did not approve of ex-boyfriend- short skirt, going to a concert, meeting friends. Now is the time in your life when you don’t have to limit yourself to anything, and this is a definite plus of separation.

Often girls in such situations find a way out by drinking alcohol; perhaps this will bring a little relief, but only for a very short time. When the effect of alcohol stops, depression will come with renewed vigor, and significant damage will be caused to health.

How to stop loving a man, not suffer and let go

Love is akin to illness and addiction, this is also recognized by science, so in some countries there are even rehabilitation groups similar to Alcoholics Anonymous groups, in which unhappy lovers are helped to get rid of their “illness.” In Russia there are a lot of professional psychologists who can also give the right advice, however, most ladies do not resort to their support, continuing to suffer and suffer from unrequited feelings.

Remember respect and self-love; no strong woman will cling to an obviously doomed relationship if she sees that the love boat is going down. Are you the only one who initiates your rare meetings? Are your desires and plans never taken into account when making decisions? Do thoughts about your beloved man only cause a nagging feeling of melancholy? It's time to think about whether you are happy with this person, what is the future of such a relationship?

Most important point on the path to a new life and building future relationships is the realization that your love for a person does not bring anything bright and good, but only destroys and causes suffering. Your mind has been screaming “stop” for a long time, but with manic persistence you are trying to extract old feelings from the rubble. The sooner you decide to put an end to it, the easier it will be to survive the breakup; prolonging the breakup will only aggravate the moment and increase the risk of falling into depression.

• It is difficult to understand and accept that your loved one has not taken the necessary steps to keep you. But you shouldn’t convince yourself, reassure or protect a man with any circumstances that prevent him from maintaining the relationship. No, if he allowed you to suffer mental anguish, then the feelings were not so dear to him. You need to run away from such a person and forbid yourself to even think about him.
• In order not to return to this situation again and again and not to turn over in your head all the possible options for the development of past relationships, it is necessary to logically complete them. And this can only be done in one way - in order to avoid omissions and complaints, express everything that has accumulated to your former partner, if not in person, then in a letter or on the Internet. But in the flow of regrets and grievances, do not forget to mention happy moments, pleasant events in your life together.
• If the decision to break up is not easy, psychologists recommend drawing up a written contract with yourself, which will indicate the exact deadlines for suffering and worries, after which an incentive prize awaits you - a trip, a new hairstyle or a dream dress.
• It's no secret that many girls idealize the image of their lover without noticing the shortcomings. Therefore, a good way to forget a guy is to discredit him in your own eyes. Take Blank sheet paper and first write down all its advantages, and then the disadvantages. Look at what is more and try to translate all the pros into cons, for example, taciturnity into the inability to carry on a conversation, modesty into tightness and complexness. Hang the list in a prominent place and refer to it more often in moments of melancholy and self-pity.
• Keep a special joy diary in which you write down everything that gives you pleasure, so you will learn to find positivity in the simplest things.

How to learn to live alone

Learning to exist alone after a difficult breakup is not an easy task; the situation is aggravated if the affair lasted a long time and the couple lived in the same territory. How to get rid of memories of past love and start living alone?

• Many women note that the most difficult thing in single life is not loneliness and long, dreary evenings; they are most often filled with daily worries, meetings with friends, and household chores. But ladies cannot solve some everyday issues without strong male hands. For example, a leaking faucet suddenly brings back memories of how much simpler everything used to be. The same can be applied to heavy bags from the store, unpaid receipts and the need to shake in a minibus. All the worries that lay on the shoulders of the beloved now need to be solved by yourself. How to deal with it without starting to regret it the decision taken? First, make a daily routine and a list of all unfulfilled tasks. You can call on relatives, friends and acquaintances for help, or contact the “husband for an hour” service; these services are relatively inexpensive, and you will feel that you are able to overcome all difficulties.
• After your husband or boyfriend leaves, there will probably be a lot of his personal belongings left in the apartment; psychologists recommend getting rid of them as quickly as possible, you don’t have to throw them away, just give them to the owner so that your favorite sweater or children’s photo album doesn’t loom before your eyes every time. If possible, make repairs or at least update some interior elements - curtains, a carpet or a new chair will become a symbol of the beginning of a new life.
• A lot of free time will need to be occupied somehow: bring a crazy idea to life, learn to dance, start studying foreign languages or just meet your friends more often. At first, you can plunge headlong into work.
• Get out of the house more often. After you put your feelings in order, you can begin to accept courtship, because loneliness will not last forever.