Why do men return to ex-women? “They quit and then come back! How to get back the guy you left? Mistakes you shouldn't make! He left to come back
I let go. It's been 3 weeks. I began to communicate with another, I think he communicates. And somehow it turned out that in the city he saw me in a car with another. He writes I'm glad, I was a fool, I let you go. I say let's meet and talk. We met. At the end of the evening, he says let's talk for now, I'll deal with other girls with whom I talked while we parted. I say what kind of girls, you've been drinking all this time, with the company where this girl is. The next day, he offers to sit with friends (moreover, friends are not the company where that girl is, but married couples, he is really good with me that everything is fine with us), and then he says that we are dating. I think it means everything is finished with everyone. He says I won’t drink anymore, I’ll be with you. 3 days of some kind of our reconciliation pass. On Monday I go to work and he is at the session, a free day ... and damn it, I went to that girl in his company to see if he had a car there. Was ... I called, asked why he was there, he said that he was just with a friend. Don't come down that the relationship is over because I'm spying. Well, I somehow felt that she had him, and while he was with me for 3 days, she deleted him, obviously something was wrong. I also asked him if you had something while we parted, he said that it was, I won’t say anything. And now I sit and regret that I went. What I saw. I could sit at home and wait for him. He would come to me in the evening ... and now he has been living with her for 3 days while the session ... help with advice. What to do. Why did you have to come back to say that it will be only with me and will not drink. ???
The guy quit, came back and then quit again
Hello Xenia.Why did you have to come back to say that it will be only with me and will not drink. ???
Perhaps he wants to be with her and with you.
And now I sit and regret that I went. What I saw. I could sit at home and wait for him. He would come to me in the evening ... and now he has been living with her for 3 days while the session ... help with advice. What to do.
It is important to first understand what you would like to change as a result of your actions.
Do you really prefer a relationship where you pretend to believe and that nothing is happening?
Then I got tired of everything, he says let's finish I feel sorry for you, you're crying, you don't trust me, come on.
A very comfortable position. Don't cry, trust me. So I will be comfortable living the way I want.
His position is clear. He feels the need to communicate with that girl - he communicates, wants to communicate with you - communicates, is thirsty - drinks, wants to play a sober family lifestyle - goes with you to other friends.
It is not very clear where you are here ... and what you want ...
If you are satisfied with such a relationship, then you can continue them. If they are not satisfied, then they will most likely have to leave. The young man is clearly not interested in understanding himself, somehow straining, changing something in his life for the sake of a relationship with you.
If you want to break up, a breakup webinar can help you, realizing what was and is good in this relationship with him, what is valuable and important for you in relationships in general, and determine what you can do to build a relationship that satisfies you.
If you need my help, please contact me. I will be glad to help you.
Sincerely, psychologist,
Makarova Lola.
Special question:“Why do men famously leave the women they love in order to return later?”. They quit and then they come back...
These words scream vile inconstancy! It screams and transforms from screaming into reality. The process of this very reincarnation, of course, hurts the unfortunate abandoned.
But sometimes .., men's heart turns off... It is, but beats "in a disabled, frozen mode." The beat of the heart, at such moments, is very reminiscent of the usual ticking of the same familiar clock .... Who want to hate unusually!
How those who have been so treated suffer!
How disappointing hurts!
Let's move on to the answer to the question, it is so exciting - exciting! It has an abyss. An abyss of suffering, ambiguity, skepticism…. Of all concepts, we leave only the abyss. We need it in order to put in it the reasons for “throws and returns” (let's call it that now).
Why did men return to women they abandoned?
- Realize how wrong they are...
Either their conscience really tortured them, or they really repent. Only men know this, from whom it is impossible to get the truth.
- Comparing their current woman, they realize that the previous one was much cooler
This choice in reality is similar to the choice of some expensive thing. It’s even a shame to compare us with things, but this comparison is simply necessary for the “brightness” of the example.
- Nostalgia torments and not the first day
Or an album with photographs, or places where “temporary lots” were held (very a large number of time), or thought…. Something managed to "liberate" and "revive" nostalgic emotions.
- It was in the plans for a long time, but somehow it was not before ..
Either work, or children, or holidays, or “not that moment”. And time hurried and hurried, in the hope that no one would disturb his peace with such recklessness. But it was wrong, oddly enough ....
- They are not satisfied with many things (compared to the one that was before)
Men are complex people. And it's just as hard to please them. That's why we were born to learn and be able to please our "eternally" dissatisfied "beloved halves. And don't forget to compromise! He is an immortal weapon.
The men talk like this:“my ex has known me for more than five years (six, seven, eight, and so on), and the one who is with me now knows almost nothing about me ...”
Yes…. You can understand such men!
- His wife seems to be paying too little attention to him.
Here is the "beloved" and decides to go on a "left" campaign. And not for revenge! For the sake of receiving a certain amount of affection, warmth, kindness, understanding. Quite a normal, logical and healthy desire, by the way!
- He sees that he loves two, but the “past” is stronger (no matter how comical it may sound)
Women don't know how. Of course, they claim that they love both Petya and Kolya (for example), but their heart is still given to one - the only one! In men, it is different, as in physiological terms.
- The woman stopped taking care of herself
It seemed to her, suddenly and for some reason, that a loved one would love such (as she is now). Brad and not true! Men are beauty hunters.
Parting words…
Dear women! Many of us have gone through all this hell. He is the past. But nowhere can he be thrown out of the world of memories. So let's try to cover this hell with colors of positivity and self-confidence! Let's not let male unpredictability break us!
We have the right to be weak
But there are moments in which it is categorically impossible to show weakness, otherwise it will turn us into slaves of our own feelings and emotions. None of us need such a "zombie".
And why, in fact, are we talking only about men here, if there are all sorts of women? And they, too, can leave, keeping calm on their faces and in their souls, any man, go to another, in order to return later ....
There are cases in which women's excuses are appropriate. Well, if you give examples, then you can sit up until the morning. You yourself know them, because you belong to the female sex.
Back to men... Do not forgive re-return!
It can appear both three times and four times repeated. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of like that. Allow only one forgiveness. And then, only when you understand for sure that you cannot live without a person who managed to break your heart with shells of betrayal.
You have already come to terms with the fact that the once loved one left you, heartache subsided, you began to look for a new pair. And suddenly something happens that you did not expect at all - your ex-partner returned.
Why do quitters come back? This is indeed a difficult question, since there is no unequivocal answer to it and cannot be.
The man realized that he had made a mistake
Your ex might never find a mate, becoming relationship free. In the end, he may return to you, realizing that your relationship is still not a lonely bachelor life, they have their own advantages.. However, a person can return not only because it is more profitable to live with you, he can really miss you and understand that he loves you, as before.
The partner was not satisfied with the new couple
Yes, you were abandoned for another person. But it's not a fact that it will suit your former partner . Most often, men return to the former, especially if the new relationship did not please the person. You have to get used to the other person. find an approach to it. Someone will steadfastly, patiently build new relationships, and someone may quite reasonably think that it is worth returning to an ex-wife. After all, relations with her have already been established - she will surely accept.
Man lacks sex
Intimately, your partner was great with you, but perhaps he found a person with different beliefs, hobbies, a look at other things. Then it is clear why he returned - a person simply cannot forget the time that he spent with you in bed. Think for yourself do you need such a relationship, because he will satisfy his sexual desires, and then return to his permanent partner. It turns out that quite often husbands come back to make women mistresses. You can ask your ex about his priorities and try to meet his requirements in order to return the love of a man. But he already maybe married, why ruin a family? Just send it back to where it came from.
Decided to play with you again
Yes, this, unfortunately, happens, and often. The guy started one relationship, then left his partner to find another, then returned to the first one again. This circle can be quite wide. It all depends on you - if a man is interesting for you not as a loved one, but as just a partner for sex, then why not take the opportunity? And trying to win the heart of a man again, who considers you (and not only you) solely as an object to satisfy his carnal needs, is not worth it.. That's why men come back sometimes.
This, of course, is not all the reasons why they return. ex-husbands, there are several more of them, but most often either a man realizes that he made a mistake, or he was not satisfied with the new couple, or he does not have enough sex. In the case when a man decided to play with you again, he is also looking for sex, but he does not consider and hardly ever considered you as his
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He's so comfortable
If a man returns to a woman, this does not necessarily mean that he has feelings for her. It may also be that he has lost the habit of living alone, and the woman did his homework for him and took care of him. And if he has not yet found a new mate for himself and feels lonely, then he can return to the former if he knows that she is always ready to forgive him. Both partings and reunions in such a couple can occur periodically, depending on the mood of the man.
If the ex suddenly appears after a few months or a year, tells how he missed you, and after the meeting disappears again, this means only one thing: he needed to spend time with someone. It is quite possible that he called all his exes, and one of them agreed to meet.
If a man appears on your doorstep with a suitcase and declarations of love, try to find out his real intentions. Maybe he just left the rented apartment and is looking for shelter for a couple of days.
He's looking for thrills
There are couples who like to constantly quarrel and put up and cannot live without thrills. And if in this pair a man says that he is leaving, then often this is just a way to throw out his emotions. A week later, the person returns as if nothing had happened. In fact, he doesn’t even think about leaving you, he’s just used to acting under the influence of a momentary impulse.
Ownership instinct
A man may want to return if a woman behaved unexpectedly. For example, he expected that in response to the announcement of a breakup, she would cry, swear, or ask him to stay. But the woman took everything calmly and wished him good luck. This will most likely hurt the male owner, he will involuntarily remember her again and again, and perceive his frequent thoughts about her as affection or passion.
It happens that a girl in a relationship becomes too attached to a guy, tries to spend all her free time with him, forgetting about her friends and past hobbies. The young man sees that he no longer needs to win the girl, she will not go anywhere anyway. And if his feelings towards her are not so strong, he may start looking for a more inaccessible and mysterious woman on the side. However, if after a while he sees that the former no longer suffers from it, but again lives active interesting life, this may hurt his pride, and he will try to return it. But if the couple doesn't learn their lesson, chances are history will repeat itself.
If a man sees that the former already has a new young man or has fans, jealousy and possessive instinct may jump out of him.
The man changed his mind
And, finally, the rarest, but most pleasant scenario for a woman. The man was alone with his thoughts, comprehended everything and realized that he really wants to be with this woman, and she is dear to him. This is because people often begin to truly appreciate something only after losing it.
A popular blogger, expert and trainer on the issue of relations between a man and a woman.
My goal is to convey to women knowledge about the dignity and holistic development of the personality.
Should I give a man a second chance?
It is rather difficult to understand whether it is worth taking back someone who once already left you.
I offer a questionnaire with which you can understand whether it is worth entering the same river twice or is it a waste of time.
Why did you break up? Did you want it? If so, is there a specific reason why you changed your mind?
Does he do anything besides promises to get you back? Deeds, courtship?
Do you feel that he has become a different person? That the reasons that led to the breakup are in the past? What indicates this?
How do you like the fact that he wants to return? No, the fact itself, of course, is flattering, but you imagined that everything is as before. Happy?
What gives you reason to think that things will go differently?
How else would you like it? Is that what he is offering you?
How will you feel if nothing comes out again?
After what he did, do they forgive at all? Collect the public opinion of unbiased people if you do not trust your own judgment.
Are you wishful thinking and really loved, and do not dream of returning to service?
Was it the first time he left you, or has it become habitual behavior?
Have you changed yourself to be treated differently?
This is what your thought process should look like when you decide whether to forgive and let a man back. And remember, if you don't want to, then you don't have to converge. For nothing, even children, even mom, even everyone in the world tells you: don’t be stupid and forgive! You know better.
Do they return ex-wives
Leave to return ... and leave again
A rare person has not experienced at least one break in his life. And few people at least once were not the initiator of the gap.
There is such a curious psychological phenomenon. Let's say you leave. You leave and then you begin to suffer from guilt and regret about your former partner. You hang around like that for a while and come back. In order to leave again in a day, a week, a month, a year. This time without grief and regret. And never come back again.
What is this?
Anda lived with Maris for 14 years, of which 10 was the only woman for him, and the remaining 4 shared her husband with another. The position was humiliating. Not only did the other live in a neighboring house and park the car right under the windows of the matrimonial bedroom, she was not ashamed to call Maris at home and did not make any secret from their romance for others. The husband also did not try to hide this connection. For him, marriage to Anda had outlived its usefulness. And she endured, afraid to be left without a livelihood and ashamed of people's rumors. One night, Maris didn't come home. In the morning, Anda packed her things and went to her mother in tears. The husband called a week later, ingratiatingly asked to return, promised to part with his mistress. Anda didn't hesitate for a second. She was aware that every minute she was waiting for this call and was afraid that it would never sound. For a month everything was quiet, the husband was gentle and attentive. And then again did not come to spend the night. This time, Anda called for a cargo taxi to get her things. In a matter of days, she filed for divorce and also quickly got a job. Maris appeared again, asked for forgiveness, but both understood that there was no turning back.
Psychologically, this phenomenon is explained very simply.
When leaving for the first time, a person takes with him memories of all the good things that happened in this relationship. The second time - about everything bad.
The first departure is rarely conscious. More often it occurs "on emotions" of resentment, anger or self-pity. The second withdrawal is reasonable.
For the first time, it seems to a person that it is still possible to return. In the second - after done failed attempt comes the realization that this is impossible.
For the first time, a person understands that with a successful scenario, he has a chance to return. In the second, even the most self-confident type will think about whether they will forgive.
And, finally, leaving for the first time, a person leaves the energy connection unbroken, in the second, as a rule, he breaks it completely and closes the door for himself forever.
It's all about the assemblage point!
The assemblage point is a concept coined by Carlos Castaneda and put into the mouth of the legendary Don Juan.
The assemblage point is also a psychological term denoting the beginning of a path or a key milestone in a person's life.
During life, the assemblage point shifts repeatedly. The reason is cardinal changes in life or a change in the direction of personality development. For example, for a student, the assembly point may be September 1, and for a student of physics and mathematics - the day of choosing a profession. And even becoming a gray-haired professor, this student will still follow his own path from the day when he said to himself - I will become a great mathematician. The emergence of new desires and goals implies a shift in the assemblage point. And bad for those who do not have them at all. It's like not having a home from home or driving in an unknown direction without remembering where your path began. It is even more terrible not to realize that it is high time to change the assemblage point.
A man leaves the first family and creates a second one. But psychologically, he still continues to consider his first wife as his. That is, his assemblage point regarding the second family still remains where it was before - at the moment of the decision to marry for the first time. He didn't start new life, but simply made the second family a logical continuation of the first.
What is the risk? For him - a colossal loss of energy, a constant feeling of guilt and pity for the first family, an emotional infringement of the second, a feeling that you are being torn apart and, finally, nervous breakdown or psychosomatic illness.
For the first wife, it was the impossibility of separating herself from this person, becoming internally free, gaining independence, taking responsibility for herself, and therefore creating a new family and, ultimately, also starting to live anew. On the physical plane - by depletion of the nervous and immune systems, due to the fact that the departed husband continues to nourish her energetically, and therefore deprives her of the opportunity to develop her own energy potential.
For the second wife - a sense of the inferiority of her marriage, jealousy and claims to her husband, a lack of understanding of her role and place, and also a likely illness.
The same thing can happen to a woman. In this case, pity for the first husband, an increased interest in his personal life, a desire to take an emotional part in it, in a word: “Khobotov, I must give you into good hands.” Is it necessary to say that such a “resigned, but not completely released” first husband, until the end of his days, will hope for the return of his wife? Or, break off relations with her evil and aggressively.
What to do with it?
Help the person recognize their assemblage point. Force you to reconsider your life positions and sort out your priorities.
It is most difficult for weak people to do this. Leaving the assemblage point where it was, they create the illusion that everything is still the same and they are not to blame for anything. This position is more selfish than reasonable. And most importantly, by doing this they doom their relationship with a new partner to the same mistakes that were made in their first marriage.
The most interesting thing is that moving the assemblage point does not at all exclude the responsibility of a person to his former partners (if, of course, this responsibility is objective). Just in one case, a person feels obliged for life, and in the second, he simply makes payments on a once carelessly taken loan. Psychologically, you see, it is much easier.
Back and forth... back.
And then there are couples that fall apart and connect all the time. And the logic of the relationship is such that if a person left and returned again at least twice, then this is no longer a separation of partners, but a kind of leisure activity.
Anya and Maxim, a couple with whom you will not get bored. Everyone has three marriage stamps in their passports and exactly the same number of divorce stamps, and now they live together in a civil marriage. The humor of the situation is that every time they created a family with each other. The first marriage lasted four years and ended with a verdict - they did not agree on the characters. But, a chance meeting in the park a couple of years after the divorce, she left again former spouses into each other's arms. The second divorce was the fault of Maxim - he fell in love with another. And then with tears in his eyes he returned to Anna. Anya forgave, but retaliated in the same way. A month had not passed, as Mendelssohn's march died down in their unit, and Anya had already left for Cannes with her lover. Max filed for divorce. And she returned before the judge announced the verdict for the third time. They nevertheless divorced again, and noted this in the room of the Hotel de Roma. Chilled champagne, strawberries, a crumpled sheet ... He proposed to her, she laughed and offered to try to live like that. It's just that her parents strictly told her that they would not survive this shame for the fourth time.
This story is not made up. For this couple, life without betrayals, quarrels and partings is insipid and tasteless, like soy products. True, in an attempt to diversify life through a wedding and divorce drive, they take great risks. After all, while one walks free, the other can simply not wait for him. Both understand this, but it seems they can no longer do without the heat of passion. This behavior is essentially addiction. In the future, when the couple no longer has the opportunity to maintain this style of relationship, they can slide into mutual reproaches, remembering each other's old sins, or part completely. All this would be nice if it did not resemble the relationship of a masochist and a sadist with a constant change of roles.
If on the story of Anya and Maxim you exclaimed "Wow!" and without fear tried it on yourself - you are at risk.
Where does this behavior come from? This is usually the behavior of infantile and weak-willed people who in childhood experienced the trauma of rejection and pathological love. Most likely, their unrestrained parents grabbed the belt for any offense and severely punished the children, and then they regretted, kissed, and asked for forgiveness. The child learned that the kindest mother or father is after the manifestations of cruelty, and was ready to endure this for the sake of subsequent encouragement. In the future, such a stereotype manifests itself in relationships with a partner. “Beat means love”, “the stronger the quarrel, the sweeter the reconciliation” - stereotypes that give rise to such childhood traumas.
Fight it in yourself if you don't want to turn your life into a battlefield.
Mental departure and return.
It is experienced by almost all people who have parted and created new couples. And if you say that you didn't have it - you are disingenuous.
One fine day you come home dead tired and see how your newfound treasure is lying on the couch and watching a stupid cartoon under the Depeche Mode screaming at the whole house. The sink is full of unwashed dishes, and three days of food has been destroyed in the refrigerator. And at your request to give you a massage, he mumbles something about unthinkable fatigue. You pour yourself some tea, go out onto the balcony, look at the moving ribbon of the highway and ask yourself one single question: "Wasn't it better with the one I left for this scoundrel?"
This is the mental departure and return.
Because very soon, having smoked a couple of cigarettes and brushing away the tears that have come, you return from the balcony, meet your eyes with his loving, full of tenderness look and say to yourself: "God, what a fool I am! Well, of course, not better ...".
Leave to return.
And it happens that a person leaves and comes back.
And this is a natural and happy ending to almost half of the breakup stories. And this is not a phenomenon, but simply life!
But to leave and understand that it was in vain is not so bad. It is much more difficult and psychologically more traumatic to return without moral losses.
If you return?
Before you go to ask for forgiveness from another, forgive yourself. Everyone has the right to make mistakes - you too.
Do not humiliate yourself. It is easier for your partner to forgive and forget your departure than your humiliation. There is nothing worse than a woman or a man on his knees and humbly asking for forgiveness. Don't stoop to this, because you'll have to live with it.
If your partner sets counter conditions for you, agree, but offer to reconsider them after some time. Resentment makes people ambitious and cruel. It is possible that the requirements of the partner are dictated by the desire to punish you. In order not to turn the rest of your life into the execution of punishment, postpone the conversation until the passions subside.
If the partner's new requirements are completely unacceptable for you, give them up right away. Do not hope that now everything will "endure and fall in love." Or that when you return, you can backtrack on what you said. You can, of course, but will it be beautiful? Why lay the groundwork for future conflict from day one?
You are to blame only for the fact that you acted harshly, and not for all the sins of mankind. And your partner, perhaps, will have a desire to outweigh them on you. Now, remember that you had a reason to leave. What prompted you to take this step? And if the partner uses his position, remind him too.
If you left for a reason, but to another person, make sure that your men do not meet. Try not to talk bad about him, although your partner may insist on it. Do not stoop to comparisons and stories about how it was there and why you realized that it was time to return. An interesting phenomenon - a man is more likely to forgive you serious relationship and love for another than the banal "spree".
After leaving, life begins anew. And it's important for both of you to remember. If the rest of your life will be a compensation for your wrong deed - is it worth returning? The return is not a reason to continue the conflicts that were before you left. And in general, you can return only when you are confident in your ability to correct mistakes and make your life better!
How to leave a second time.
Let's say you came back and realized that it was a mistake. Nothing happens. Of course, it’s a pity that you didn’t understand this earlier and “ride through the feelings” of your partner, but after all, your life and with whom to live is up to you. Put guilt aside. Look at the situation differently - you gave him and yourself a chance, but you failed to take advantage of it. Calmly explain it and this time try to leave completely. If you lived together, collect all things. If he leaves your house, take the keys and make it clear that this is forever. In the secondary break, it is very important to avoid semitones and innuendos. If there is someone third in your relationship, you should not call him before the door closes behind the first partner. Be alone for a while, put your thoughts and feelings in order. Decide on your next life. Announce to your loved ones, however, without going into explanations and omitting details, that you broke up again and this time for good. Move on and try not to forget the lesson you learned from this situation.
He left, she left, he came, she came...
If your husband or boyfriend left you and comes back to you - accept and forgive. But don't expect it to be forever. Designate for yourself and for him that this is only an attempt to restore the relationship, which may fail. The easier and calmer you will relate to what is happening, the easier it will be for both of you. Do not put pressure on him, do not demand promises, do not take revenge with jealousy and scandals. Reflect on your mistakes. After all, something prompted him to leave.
If your man announced his return to his former family or to your predecessor, do not keep him. Accept it as a fact, but try to stay with him in good relations. Ask the offense to be silent and calmly tell him that your house and heart are always open to him. Do not call and do not seek meetings with him. Do not indulge in all serious and do not try to immediately find yourself another. Wait. It may very well be that he left in order to finally burn the bridges there and return to you.
Well, finally leave...
The phenomenon described in this article is hardly realized by most people, but subconsciously everyone knows or guesses about it. And this is fraught with the fact that we ourselves begin to provoke our partners to go in circles.
Larisa was surprised how quickly and decisively her new lover Sergei decided to divorce his wife and start living with her. “It just can’t be so good, there’s probably some kind of catch here,” she told her friends and constantly tested her beloved for strength, with questions: “Are you sure you don’t miss her? Are you sure you love me?”. During rare quarrels, she shouted: “Go away, return to your wife, I knew that everything would end with this,” but for some reason the man did not go anywhere, and only patiently reassured her beloved. And all the same, these relations were doomed to break, if not for Larisa's heartfelt conversation with Sergey's mother. It turned out that he already had an attempt at a divorce, but the cunning wife returned him by simulating a pregnancy. The deception was revealed after a few days, but Sergei was so shocked by the situation that he did not find the strength to leave. So he lived, completely indifferent and depressed, until he met his love. And having met, he left overnight. This was the second departure, after which they do not return.
Any of us can make a mistake similar to Larisa's if we don't trust our feelings and intuition. If they tell you they love you, believe it. In the end, this is better than fanning the imagination and waiting for the worst.
How to understand that a man has come to you forever and is not going to return to his previous relationship?
He acted decisively and openly.
- He immediately introduced you to his friends and relatives.
- He doesn't hide anything from you, and his phone is always on.
- He does not remember about his first partner with you, and you feel that he does not remember about himself either.
- His plans and dreams for the future are dedicated to you, your life together, or at least him alone.
He can still leave if:
He is tormented by guilt.
“You're not sure that he doesn't date your predecessor from time to time.
- He keeps your relationship secret for now.
He talks a lot about his former family or girlfriend.
- You don't feel like you're together. And you don’t even feel that he belongs to himself to the end. As if some part of him still belongs to another person.