Even having decided to leave and having gone through multi-stage and complex legal procedures, we can still feel regret and a desire to restore the past for a long time. How reasonable is this desire and is it worth getting back together after a divorce

One of the most frustrating moments after a divorce is uncertainty. Even having decided to leave and having gone through multi-stage and complex legal procedures, we can still feel regret and a desire to restore the past for a long time. How reasonable is this desire and is it worth getting back together after a divorce?

love again

The desire to return to a former partner overrides all arguments and, above all, is reinforced by the conviction that the breakup was a mistake. A husband after a divorce does not express feelings as actively as a wife, but this can only increase the drama of the moment. This is what should be checked first. There is a percentage of cases where "slamming the door" seems to be the best way out. These are usually young couples with no experience in problem solving.

There are other examples - when partners are drawn to each other simply out of habit, with the inability to cope with loneliness, with the desire to feel that you still have support in this world. Such meetings are in the order of things, because the memory of feelings cannot be switched off in an instant. But this can hardly be called an attempt to renew love.

forgive and forget

In understanding forgiveness, we often put the meaning of completely accepting the situation without taking into account the feelings of resentment, disappointment and anger that we experienced. In addition, this can also be associated with new expectations - since I have forgiven, it means that he must understand and change. Husband and wife after a divorce try to discard the past, although it would be more correct to overestimate it properly.

It is a mistake to think that an adult will change or you can change your attitude to what you don’t like. Reconciliation is possible sooner in those cases where you understand what exactly you did not like and why. And also realize what kind of person you are dealing with. A second chance is for couples who do not forgive and do not forget, but draw conclusions about whether it is possible in this real situation to be together and enjoy it.

Don't live in the past

It happens that the relationship ended a long time ago in fact, but there is a feeling that they are still relevant. In reality, it looks like plans and expectations. You watch a movie and think about what your partner would say, you walk in the park and look for a free bench for two people, etc.

Such fantasies can visit you up to several years after the breakup, but you still need to focus on what is really happening. If you haven’t been to the cinema for a long time and he doesn’t call, you will have to say goodbye to self-deception.

Change completely

When a family ends with monotonous conflicts and boredom, this most likely indicates that the partners are in a vicious circle. People break up not because the relationship has no future, but because they want change. It is possible to resume such a connection only at a new stage, but for this you will have to change yourself.

Often we cover up our fear of letting something new into our lives by complaining about what is happening to us now. Partner gets hit first. It is harmful to get hung up on relationships and try to move your whole life there.

Andrey Kurpatov, psychotherapist, author of popular books on psychology in the book “7 Real Stories. How to survive a divorce ”gives several conditions for a crisis in the family to be survived constructively:

1. Awareness of mutual responsibility for relationships.

2. Willingness to be honest.

3. The ability to recognize your weaknesses.

4. Lack of accounts with a partner: who has done more, who has it harder.

5. The ability to understand why the partner acts this way and not otherwise.

6. Sincere desire to see him happy.

Compliance with at least half of these conditions allows you to survive and get out of any family crisis easier and more profitable for both parties.

Getting married after a divorce - what's unusual about that? And if the groom is an ex-husband?

Together after divorce?

People, of course, get married after a divorce again. Very many. But we won't talk about many. We will talk about those who, after a divorce, remarry with old partners. The popular rumor with the well-known expression that “you cannot enter the same river twice”, oddly enough, is right, because if you carefully read Herodotus, then “the one who enters the second time is already washed by other waters ...”.

Sometimes people break up and then find each other to start over. “You can’t see a face face to face, a big one is seen at a distance” - these are not just the lines of a beautiful poem, but also a subtle psychological observation. In the hustle and bustle of everyday affairs, behind petty claims and insults, we are not always able to understand how dear and necessary we are to a loved one.

Together after divorce?

“We constantly tried to remake each other in everything, even in small things,” says Alexander (31 years old, remarried eight months after the divorce, has been going on for four years, a son was born). “In the end it became unbearable. We broke up without explanation after an accidental quarrel. I felt at the same time deeply unhappy because I continued to love my wife, and absolutely free from all this.

People grow up, priorities change. And most often - in the direction of preserving the family. Many divorce in haste without analyzing the situation, without trying to save the relationship. Especially frequent are rash divorces at a young age.

After some time, the value of the family and specific person appears in a completely different light and people come back to each other to try again. Giving yourself a break and living separately is sometimes just necessary to calmly think and decide what you can take into close person and what to change in yourself. After all, marriage is a building built of compromises, the foundation of which is love.

“We lived together for more than two years when I decided to leave,” says Marina (26 years old, remarried for three years, daughter was born). - The husband paid too much attention to his friends, as they say, "did not work up." The fact of betrayal on his part finally confirmed me in this opinion. But I couldn't stop loving him. And when a year later he offered to try again, I could not refuse. Over time, it became clear that his views on life had changed, he had matured, family and work came to the fore as a means of ensuring family well-being. This time we are officially married. Our daughter is already two years old, and I do not regret what happened to us.

Together after divorce?

And here you are together again. We thought, talked and decided that your love is more important than mutual claims and insults. How much more successful will your family life, depends on what conclusions you have drawn from previous experience. Past problems will lie in wait for you. Now the whole question is how correctly both of you will solve them. Saving a remarriage is as difficult as any other. Be prepared for the fact that more than once it will seem to you that nothing has changed and it was not worth returning.

Together after divorce?

“Only eight months after the divorce, we found the strength to speak sincerely,” says Alexander. We cried as we talked about what had happened and decided to try again. And although we understood a lot and forgave each other, at first we constantly stumbled upon the same rake. Nevertheless, we persevered. Our relationship is changing much more slowly than we expected, but love and a son are stronger than any stamp.

During the time that each of you was in free swimming, you managed to acquire new habits, acquaintances and sexual experience. It will be necessary to accept this new in a loved one. This element of novelty also has its advantages, it makes relationships more interesting, allows you to look at your loved one from the other side.

Psychologist Olga Kudryavtseva says: “If people after a divorce decide to remarry, they should not assume that the very fact of divorce was a mistake. It simply means that at that time they could not solve their problems otherwise. But only those who clearly understand why the separation happened and what needs to be changed in the relationship have chances for a successful union. A new marriage will be strong and long-lasting if you have forgiven the person for all past grievances and are now ready for an equal relationship.

There is no marriage, but there is sex

From the point of view of sexologists, the attraction of people who were once in close relationships to each other is quite understandable. Sex after a divorce happens much more often than the resumption of relationships. It is physically and psychologically easier for former spouses to be in bed with each other than with a new partner.

Together after divorce?

But psychologists do not recommend such experiments. If people are determined to leave, they just need, especially at first, to feel their “separation”. Joint sex introduces ambiguity into the relationship, especially since everyone evaluates what happened in their own way.

Together after divorce?

I left to come back...

The "leave to return" style is sometimes a conscious choice of one of the members of the couple. The purpose of such an action is to demonstrate to the partner how wrong he was and that without you it will be bad and hard for him. It happens that it works. And it happens exactly the opposite. Left without you, a person can suddenly feel free from obligations and problems and happy from this. And you'll have nowhere to go back to. Therefore, be careful with the methods. Breaking up doesn't always work in a relationship.

There are couples whose life is simply impossible without spectacular antics and violent passions. They can marry and disperse more than once. For them, it's like fueling a relationship. But for most people, a breakup is a deep experience and a lot of stress. Therefore, before making such a decision, think seriously and speak sincerely. Truly loving will still find a way to joint happiness.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not held by habit, not by property acquired over the years, and not even by children, but by an inner need for each other.

By the way, the stars also get divorced. And even get married again!

The famous Hollywood couple of the past years, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, two years after the divorce (their first marriage began with great love and lasted nine years), got married again, but their re-union did not last more than nine months.

Infamous singer Eminem and his wife Kimberly Mathers (Scott) have known each other since college and divorced for the first time in 2001. In 2006 they got married again. But from the moment of marriage to the day when Eminem filed for divorce, only three months passed.

More than once after the divorce, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee tried to restore their relationship. Their last attempt to start living together ten years after the divorce came in the summer of 2008.

Yulia Menshova repeated the fate of her parents (Vladimir Menshov and Vera Alentova separated for several years when their daughter was young), breaking up with her husband, actor Igor Gordin, and a few years later successfully resuming their relationship. And the relationship between Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson is generally similar to Santa Barbara. How long will they last this time - generally from the field of "Russian roulette".

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According to statistics, the number of divorces in Russia is growing inexorably. If in 2014-2015 52-56% of broken families were recorded, then in 2018 this figure reached just over 60%.

Observations of psychologists show that the peak of parting falls on the period of 5-9 years. life together. Most often, the initiators of divorce are men. It is more difficult for women to take this step, especially when there are children in the family who need to be fed and shod.

Some men after some time want to return to the family. Is it worth it to return to your ex-husband after a divorce, or is it still impossible to enter the same river twice? To understand this issue, it is necessary to take into account a combination of various factors:

• the reason for the breakup;
• what drives a partner who wants to return;
• what life circumstances signal the impossibility of reconciliation;
• and vice versa, what conditions indicate that not everything is lost, and the family can still be saved.

Why Husbands Leave

There is no smoke without fire, and therefore men do not just leave. Psychologists identify 8 main reasons why husbands leave their families:

1. The wife has ceased to be interesting as a woman. Males are hunters by nature. And if the "prey" itself goes into your hands and does not even try to run away, then the excitement disappears. This is about the fact that wives often go headlong into the “everyday life”, changing sexy underwear for a house stretched dressing gown that smells of borscht.
2. Lack of sex, in which a man, according to his physiological data, needs more often than a woman. It is important for him to feel like a demanded “male”, which is impossible next to a “cold” wife, who always has a headache.
3. A saw woman, next to which the partner feels like a loser, even if it is not. Such a lady does not like everything, she is always dissatisfied with everything, while it is important for her husband to hear praise.
4. They didn’t agree on the characters - a banal, but often appearing phrase in divorces. It also includes different worldviews and values.
5. Women's betrayal - can destroy male pride.
6. Fell in love. Interestingly, an infantile personality is more likely to remain in the family and will keep a new passion as a mistress. A more mature and responsible man will leave his wife, confessing everything to her.

Why do exes come back

Psychologists say that every fourth man makes an attempt to return to his ex-wife. Why do they do it?

• Often a man is driven by the need for comfort - he is used to the fact that the houses are clean and tidy, they take care of him, wash his clothes, cook his favorite pancakes, pay on time communal payments etc. After spending some time on "freedom" and realizing that it is hard enough to exist alone, he decides to return to where he felt good. From this point of view, the wife is not so bad and her demands are not so great;
• if a man left for another, then a banal comparison of the former and current partners may become a motivating factor for returning - not in favor of the latter. I walked, I tried, I was disappointed in the new woman, I realized that I had made a mistake when I decided to get a divorce;
• it happens that the ex-spouse really cannot survive the breakup - he misses, mopes. How more people lived in marriage, the more they have a common "soil", joint memories, rituals, habits. After a divorce, it is difficult for a man to start a new page, especially if he is over the age of 45-50, because most of his conscious life has passed next to the same woman. Emotional attachment to wife and children will pull him back;
• if the partner periodically leaves and returns, then such “comebacks” can be called a break before a new portion of adventures. In this case, there can be no talk of love on his part. The family for him is a transshipment base where you can warm up and sleep off.

Accept or not?

A broken vase can be glued together, but it will never be the same: numerous cracks radically change its original appearance. And if you pour water into it, then most likely it will leak. The same can be said about a marriage that has collapsed - the partners will need a very good glue in the form of a joint effort to return the old relationship.

When You Shouldn't Get Together

There are 3 circumstances under which a relationship cannot be renewed:

1. If a woman is just scared of being alone, it is often this factor that pushes her into the arms of her ex. The fear of loneliness is so strong that she forgets about insults, beatings, disrespect, betrayal, etc. However, soon all this will come to the surface again and spoil the relationship.
2. Is it worth sleeping with ex-husband after a divorce, if he has another family? Definitely not. And even more so if both former partners bound themselves by marital obligations. Their relationship may be romantic for some time, they may become lovers, but they are unlikely to reunite again, since this situation already includes a large number of people (their new husbands, wives, children).
3. If the reason for the breakup is still relevant. For example, if the spouse drank, walked, played slot machines, cheated, etc. and continues to do so at the present moment, then the woman should not hope that he will change after the reunion.

If we talk separately about treason, then few people are able to honestly forgive this fact. Theoretically, you can converge, but the inflicted insult will pop up every time the partners quarrel. As a result, the wife will play the role of accuser, and the man will drown in guilt. Can such a relationship be happy?

It is also important to understand that children should not play the role of liaison. Living for the sake of offspring is the worst thing that parents can do for him who cannot get along together.

The right to a second chance

Sometimes parting has a positive effect on partners, and after reconciliation, the couple begins a new, better family life.

Here, the proof of the sincerity of the desire of each of the partners will be their actions (not empty words!), Aimed at removing the obstacles that once caused the divorce. For example, if a man worked around the clock, which did not suit his wife, then the seriousness of his intentions will manifest itself in a job change. Or if he systematically consumed alcohol, he will definitely begin to solve this problem, etc.

Another important factor: a good sign if former partners had good, friendly relations after the divorce. It is possible that by communicating in a positive way, they were able to look at each other with different eyes, draw conclusions about their behavior and understand their partner.

As the saying goes, “you can’t see a face face to face” - sometimes a look from the side makes it possible to see the situation in a different light. People realize that somewhere they were wrong, unfair to the second half, they become wiser, more patient.

From love to hate is one step, it is easier to destroy than to create. These two truths best characterize couples who break up under the influence of emotions, and then converge again. Someone very quickly realizes that he has lost the love of his life, and some insight visits after twenty or even fifty years.

But how much time has passed since the breakup and what was the reason for the divorce is completely unimportant. And, as practice shows, neither a new family nor children from other marriages interfere with reunification either. You can resume any relationship, however, in order for the second attempt to be crowned with a happy ending, both will have to make every effort.

Typical post-divorce stories

Spouses who, after a divorce, decide to reunite, can be roughly divided into five categories.

First there are spouses who have not managed to survive the separation. Psychologists in this case talk about unfinished emotional relationships. After a divorce, such partners continue to think about each other, actively communicate, even if negative feelings go off scale and both have already entered into a new union. The thought of reunion often comes to their minds, because they still have hope for a happy future in the depths of their souls.

Second group builds relationships based on an infantile position. In the first marriage, such spouses usually cultivate two principles: “take, but do not give” or “everyone owes me”.

third category distinguishes the struggle for power. Having entered into marriage, each of the partners seeks to prove that he is the main one. Such a position can also be called infantile, only on top of it is superimposed a model of dysfunctional marital relations, which they inherit from parental families. When both partners grow up, that is, they learn to “give”, to take responsibility for their behavior, not to fight, but to cooperate, many people have a desire to try to live in a new way with their former chosen one.

Fourth category decides to return everything because of the fear of loneliness after a divorce. Women often argue like this: “Life passes, the princes have been dismantled, it’s better with him than alone.” Men have a different argument: "Each next one is worse than the previous one."

Divorces at 30

The very desire to part, forever or only for a while, usually arises during significant periods of life, which, in particular, include age-related crises. The most dramatic of them falls on 30 years. At this point, divorces happen especially often.

Having lived together for some time, the spouses accumulate dissatisfaction with each other and at some point understand: this cannot continue anymore. But they are not very sad about this: the whole life is still ahead, reproductive abilities are at their best and there is every chance to create a new family.

However, trying to start a new relationship, many thirty-year-olds discover that everyone has flaws, they cannot put up with some quirks. Then the thought may arise that the former spouse or wife was not so bad.

In addition, at the age of 30, a reassessment of values ​​takes place against the background of the final separation from parents. Early marriages are sometimes made to please or in defiance of mom and dad. And at the age of 30, a person is already able to make an independent decision and determine exactly whether he wants to be with his current partner or is ready to part with him.

Divorces at 40 and 50

The second peak of divorce falls on the crisis of 40 or 50 years. Relations between spouses during this period often worsen, because the age crisis is usually superimposed by the normative crisis of the family, which is otherwise called the empty nest syndrome.

Children grow up and, depending on their age, scatter in all directions: some go to study in another city, others begin to live separately or actively communicate with friends, others start their own families. Parents remain alone with each other.

If up to this point the partners did not get along, did not maintain marital relations, performed only parental functions, they will have nothing to talk about. And here it is within reach of treason. But if, having stumbled, both partners understand that they are both to blame for adultery, many couples converge again.

Can a relationship be restored after a divorce?

Alas, not everyone manages to correct previous mistakes, and in some cases the second attempt is obviously doomed to failure. However, you can estimate the chances of success in advance.

To begin with, both spouses must honestly answer the question: why does everyone want to return. If they are driven by fear of loneliness, nostalgia for the good old days, annoyance that no one has been found better yet, or hope that the partner has changed, the prognosis will be unfavorable.

Nothing good, as a rule, happens if the spouses decide after a divorce to get together in order to “make happy” the child. Children always feel insincere emotions and suffering that are hidden behind them, and in the future, when creating their family, they reproduce the same unhealthy scenarios.

But if the former spouses understand that due to their stupidity or inexperience they have lost a truly dear person with whom they wanted to live their whole lives, such an occasion for a second attempt would be ideal. At the same time, both partners should dream of reunion, because you won’t be forced to be sweet.

The probability of a happy ending increases markedly if, at a new round, relations reach a qualitatively different level. For example, if the spouses used to live in a civil marriage or with their parents, and now they decide to formalize their union or rent an apartment. Or if they broke up because one of them did not want children, but now both are ready to become parents.

And, finally, another sure sign that everything will surely work out is when, when parting, the pronoun “we” remains in thoughts or words: “We can handle it,” “We will succeed,” “Why don’t we try again?”

How to start from scratch

Start from scratch - just in words. It is really impossible to enter the same river.

If both partners do not learn to negotiate, do not give up manipulation and do not analyze the moments that led to the breakup for the first time, old problems are guaranteed to surface sooner or later for an encore. To prevent this from happening, it is better to take the reunion as seriously as possible.

To begin with, the spouses must take some of the responsibility for the unsuccessful first attempt, want to change themselves, not the partner, learn new ways of interacting.

Both partners need to think together and talk about what was wrong last time. You need to go through all the points that you didn’t like, annoyed, became a reason for quarrels. The goal is not to find someone to blame, but to understand that now they want to live in a completely different way. Then, for each item, a compromise must be found.

If it’s difficult to agree, you should try an exercise called “Deal”. On a piece of paper, the spouses write a list of their expectations from the second half. Then they discuss all the points in turn to find out what they are ready to go for and what they are not. The transaction will concern those points that are significant and fundamental for each of them. As a result, the wife will do what is unpleasant for her, but important for her husband, and he, as compensation, will do what he does not like, but she needs it.

It is necessary to discuss in the smallest detail how the partners will live after the reunion. In what apartment will they settle, what time will they get up on Saturday, will they have breakfast together, how will they spend their free time and share household duties, who will take the child to kindergarten And sports school etc.

The key condition for peace and harmony in a new life is not to remember old grievances. An evening of farewell to negative experiences will help to part with the past. Let each of the partners in turn express everything that hurt him, hurt him, upset him. While one is speaking, the other should listen patiently, without interrupting or making excuses. When the monologues are spoken, both spouses must give each other a word that no one will remember old grievances from now on.

If the reason for the separation was treason, it is important to restore trust between the spouses. The stumbled partner should help the injured party and become more accessible and open for several months. For example, he can refuse business trips, start inviting the second half to all parties, agree to answer video calls.

Almost half of all divorced couples are trying to give themselves another chance, and science has an explanation for this phenomenon. Previously, it was believed that one cannot enter the same river twice. But scientists are now confident that, with the right approach, a reunion might not be such a bad idea.

Why are divorced couples trying to reunite?

A classic example has long been known when divorced couples converge and even re-legalize relationships. The partner who initiated the divorce hopes that the life of loneliness and the suffering associated with the loss taught his significant other a lot. The reunited spouses hope that now they will both be smarter. Not so long ago, scientists have found another reason associated with parting. As experts suggest, the vast majority of couples are trying to restore relationships, because they are not completely sure of the correctness of the desire to divorce. Apparently, people break up under the influence of impulses and momentary decisions. Very often this is due to the discovery of the fact of treason. However, over time, the partners realize that they rushed to conclusions.

prosaic conclusions

There seems to be nothing more sensible than trying to stay away from your ex-spouse after a divorce. However, some people do have arguments that allow them to think about reunion. In 2013, Kansas State University researchers found that nearly half of all divorced couples get back together at some point or another after a breakup. These attempts may not succeed, but there are positive examples. Most often, people assume that the partner has changed during the separation and hope for better communication in general. It's no secret that the lack of healthy communication often brings relationships to naught.

Habit or fear of being alone?

In a new study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto asked respondents about the reasons behind breakups and reunions. People who are more optimistic believe that the partner will change, so they try to restore the old connection. The survey revealed other conditions for reunion, among which the most common are emotional investment in relationships (when love has not yet passed), family responsibilities (having children together), and fear of the unknown. The majority of people (66 percent) said they would like to stay together because of the intimacy and codependency that developed over a long period of living together.

Why do people decide to divorce?

If we talk about the reasons for divorce, the list is also extensive. People break up due to lack of emotional intimacy, lack of trust, and frequent quarrels. More than a third of respondents (38 percent) noted that they would not be able to forgive betrayal. Despite negative feelings towards a spouse, almost half of the participants (49 percent) do not rule out the possibility of a reunion. The researchers note that the results are consistent with reality, since according to statistics, about 50 percent of couples converge again after a divorce.

The decision to break up is not easy.

Experts emphasize that the decision to part is not easy, and if one of the spouses doubts, then these doubts will sooner or later make themselves felt. This duality explains why so many pairs eventually converge again. Here is what Ph.D. and author of books, psychologist Noel Nelson says about this: “Not yet serious problems such as abusive behavior or selfishness, the relationship may have a second chance. Communication is the foundation of success."

If you're considering a reunion, be honest with yourself and consider every possible motive. Don't go back to your ex just because you're single. Don't come back because you're bored or think you'll never meet a worthy person again. Look for good reason, and when you find it, use the experience of the first marriage to prevent future mistakes.